So, I spent my day yesterday celebrating my oldness. I had some things in town I needed to do, so I drove 20 mph, hunched over my steering wheel, the entire day. I went shopping for a fedora and bow tie, then figured I'd better buy a cane while I was at it - not that I need one to get around, but it may come in handy for clubbing impertinent youngsters.
I thought about buying a window sticker that said 'Ask me about my grandchildren' but changed my mind when I realized that somebody actually might.
Tried to find somebody that had some watermelon wine.
Started several conversations with "Why, I remember when..."
Asked about a Senior Citizen's discount everywhere I went.
Called 40 year old men 'youngster' and every woman I saw 'Sweetie'.
Engaged another old fart at Walmart in a delightful conversation about killin' Reds.
Considered buying a bird feeder.
Went to the Dollar Store.
Referred to black folks as Coloreds.
Waved at every cop I passed.
Priced .380 automatics.
Clipped coupons from The Penny Saver.
Stopped by my mechanic's shop and inquired about a prescription windshield.
Got pissed because Walmart was out of buttermilk.
Replied to everybody with "EH??? WHAT'S THAT???"
Priced adult diapers and Geritol.
Checked my blood pressure at the Walgreens and shuffled back out without buying anything.
Pretended to lose my truck in the parking lots.
When I got back home hours later (that 20 mph rule is going to take some getting used to) I sat on the front porch and whittled.
Watched Lawrence Welk and Mannix reruns on Youtube.
Fell down twice.
Played 'Red River Valley' and 'Cattle Call' repeatedly.
Pretended to nap.
Looked for the glasses on my face and keys in my pocket.
Kept calling that asshole dog Jack 'Old boy'.
Farted repeatedly without apology.
Went to bed at 7 PM.
Today I'm pricing condos in Miami and looking at Cruise ships.
Congratulations!
ReplyDelete?
ReplyDeleteBullshit, but amusing.
Its called humor, not bullshit.
DeleteI do most of that and I am only 52.
ReplyDeleteoverachiever, making us all look bad.
DeleteDid you get your hair cut and a tube of Brylcreem?
ReplyDeleteNOT the greasy kid stuff, eh?
Delete“I got my first Social Security check yesterday“
ReplyDeleteI call bull or this is an old story because Social Security checks are not mailed anymore Your money is direct deposited into your bank account or you can have it
deposited on to a Direct Express debit card
Meh. I still call food stamps food stamps.
DeleteYes, I got my 'check' deposited.
Food stamps are deposited on what I call a Ghetto Visa
DeleteHad a lady of color call me out one time @ Kroger, I was buying steaks, charcoal & beer with my Capitol One credit card (years ago) and it had an American flag design the looked exactly like her EBT / Ghetto Visa card. She was pissed that she couldn't buy beer on hers. I politely told her that I worked & paid the bill for my real Visa card, and that it wasn't a freebie Ghetto Visa like hers.
Bitch still had a buggy of steaks.....better than I could afford.
Heh oldness is a blast till everything starts to fall apart and it's real and not projecting. Anyhow great that you have arrived to good company. Enjoy
ReplyDeleteYUP ! I hit 62 in April. I feel all worn out.
ReplyDeleteGreat to hear. I got my first check a few months ago. Happy to have you in the Club!
ReplyDeleteTomorrow you will have forgotten about the condos and cruise ships and you'll be back to jingling loose change in your high-waisted pants while looking for the pocket knife you lose every day.
ReplyDeleteHigh waisted khaki pants, no less.
DeletePastel-blue short-sleeve jump-suit with white belt and velcro white loafers.
DeleteA fashion blade!
.
We will let you know if it is time for a comb-over...
That ain't a jump suit, it's an Okie leisure suit.
DeleteYou are one funny dude, dude.
ReplyDeleteCongrats. The only thing you might have missed was sitting at a diner that offers endless coffee and getting the most out of those unlimited refills.
ReplyDeleteWhat about suspenders? Congratulations, enjoy!
ReplyDelete'spenders and a belt for my gun. Gotcha.
DeleteHappy Birthday,
ReplyDeleteSo did you just have your birthday?
You and I are both older than Phil?
Nope, I turned 62 in July, but the Sweetie at the SS office told me they always run a month behind.
DeleteThat's because you gotta "earn" it before they give it to you. A certain percent don't make it through the first month...they keep the money.
DeleteAnd good on you for getting it ASAP. The propaganda is all 'wait, wait'- but if you wait, you're betting you'll live to past 85 (and they know that most will lose that bet). Take it as soon as you can.
Well you made it. Many don’t. Enjoy.
ReplyDeleteGood on ya!
ReplyDeleteNow, you won't have to walk the road picking up cans and bottles.
"Priced .380 automatics". That's fucking funny right there!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a senior in high school, I gave McDonalds one dollar. They gave me a hamburger, fries and a coke, And I got change back. Gas was 33 cents
ReplyDeletePrescription windshield? You are a sarcastic fucker. Keep it up, old man.
ReplyDeleteYou got to draw SS for 15 years to break even.
ReplyDeleteKenny, I got a BP machine and an old walker if you want them. Ridden the scooters at Walmart yet?
ReplyDeleteShit, with the new cart boy at Walmart, I'm lucky if I can find a shopping cart anymore.
DeleteWelcome to the dark side. You left off your list, visit the senior center and slow belly rub dance with redhead manager, then jump into the pool and take a leak next to old broads wearing water wings.
ReplyDelete*purloined by
ReplyDelete"I thought about buying a window sticker that said 'Ask me about my grandchildren' but changed my mind when I realized that somebody actually might."
ReplyDeleteClassic!
Well, if you knew my grandkids, you'd be hesitant too.
Delete"Engaged another old fart at Walmart in a delightful conversation about killin' Reds."
ReplyDeleteI don't know what that means in Tennessee, because I don't know what your "Reds" are, but up here it means catching a bunch of Sockeye salmon, aka "Reds". (the five species of salmon all have two names, ie Kings are also called Chinooks.
Congrats on reaching a milestone, like you I plan on beginning my SS draw at age 62.
Tim in AK
You ROCK, yes, I shouted it. Just checkin' if selective hearing has kicked in yet. Ohio Guy
ReplyDeletewhy on earth would want a condo in Miami ? and for cruise ships ? that like being in prison with a chance of drowning. stay away from crowds ! stupid in large numbers is a big mistake.
ReplyDeleteyou be a lot better off farther away from the crowds than in one. my 2 cents as a old fart
myself.
You forgot one .. went for early bird dinner at 430pm
ReplyDeleteBeen doing that for years anyways.
DeleteGeritol also commonly known as. Fossil Fuel. I aint heard a that shit since Ted Mack.
ReplyDeleteYes, kudos on getting there(here? whatever). Some un-asked-for advice, feel free to disregard: Driving 20 mph must be attended with the left turn signal on continuously. End each conversation with the phrase 'Kids these days'. And "impertinent youngsters"-- don't you mean... whippersnappers?
ReplyDeleteStay safe, fiber is your friend.
I don't use my turn signals anyway.
DeleteWell, Happy Birthday and Congratulations. Was gonna suggest you go back out to your truck and cancel your damn turn signal but Lergnom beat me to it and you cleared it up. regards, Alemaster
DeleteHell, you're still wet behind the ears. ;-))
ReplyDeleteYou won't be OLD 'till you hit at least 75 like someone I know.
That was a pretty funny read, so I guess the brain cells are still firing!!!
Nemo
LMFAO, let me know about the prescription windshield.
ReplyDeletewelcome to my world, and have fun with it. anything you do now short of murder will be OK.
a beer can on the dash when you drive through town, the cops just look the other way and say 'he's just old'
BTW, i love what you do here on this site.
Don't forget about the "Early Bird Special" at the Old Country Buffet at 4 pm.
ReplyDeleteSteve L.
Whippersnapper! Miami is way too dangerous and expensive. <3
ReplyDeleteYa, Kenny it’s all fun and games now. I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day while hunting around the house looking for my cell phone to give her a number. She finally says hey, what are you talking to me on? And I’m pretty sure I’m a few months younger than you. Eod1sg Ret
ReplyDeleteForgot to mention having the left blinker on the last ten miles.
ReplyDeleteIt's been so long since I've used my turn signals, I'm not even sure if they still work.
Delete"Impertinent youngsters"? Really?
ReplyDeleteDon't you really mean "Young whippersnappers"? If you are becoming an official old fogey you've to use the proper terminology and phrasing.
Try this one on for size - "Get the hell off of my lawn!"
Once you get that one down pat, you can move on to some of the others...
Good on ya for making it this far above ground, hope ya are around long enough to "upgrade" that .380 to a .32 or maybe even a .25 Lord willing.
ReplyDeleteAlso look at Purpleheart Armory for a good whippersnapper warning cane.
Hope it was the Slim Whitman versions. Gotta have the beat you know.
ReplyDeleteSaw a bumper sticker in Orlando long ago which said, "When I get old I'm going to move up North and drive slow."
ReplyDeleteGrin - I've only slowed down to the speed limit + 5. Congratulations for making it to 62. Enjoy being an old fart.
ReplyDeleteSing it, Slim!
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjGRlKPgppw
May your heart be light as a feather, Friend!
Enjoy your checks while you can. When you hit 65, they will deduct $148 from your check for Medicare, then the nightmare begins trying to sign up for the plan that works for you.
ReplyDeleteI have my cane too.
I turn down the volume on my car stereo when I reach a busy intersection; depending on what's playing...Floyd never gets turned down. I have standards.
On the other hand, your phone will start ringing off the hook about three months before hitting 65, because every occupant of the Indian Sub-Continent will be calling to try to sell you the extended Medicare insurance. It's very entertaining, especially once you learn their spiel because if you can keep talking, you can tie them up for 10 or 15 minutes before they realize you're spinning them up. Then they'll get pissed and ask why you would do such a thing and you can say, well, you started it....Pro tip: it works best if you imitate their accent, for some reason they can understand you better that way.
DeleteYou know what puts an immediate stop to that supplement speech? "I have Tricare for life." Some sales people have said, "Oh, I am so sorry to bother you, sir. We will not call again."
DeleteHello Brother Of The Check. You forgot the weekly night out at Bob Evans. Carry pennies to make exact change when buying anything. Flirt with all the girls, young and old, fat or skinny, pretty or ugly.
ReplyDeleteDaryl
Farted repeatedly without apology.
ReplyDeleteWhat? Like you haven't been doing that already?
Congratulations, Kenny. I turn 57 in two months and doubt there will be any SS left in 5 years when I reach eligible age. Shame after all those years paying into it.
ReplyDeleteHey Kenny;
ReplyDeleteThe Wife took me to Publix to get their "Senior Citizen Discount" on Wednesday...Jeez, I felt like a lab specimen.....You now get to tell everyone to get off your lawn., LOL
I was going to suggest wearing black socks with sandals, but I that's people under 30 do now.
ReplyDeleteI started drawing Social Security this year as well. The most interesting thing I found was my wife (3 years older and already drawing SS) was sent a letter that she was eligible for increased benefits because I did. She now gets almost $300 a month more
ReplyDeletewhen i signed up at ss office, i forgot my id. nice lady there ask if i had any proof that i was old. so i showed her the white hair on my chest. she accepted that as proof of age.
ReplyDeletewhen i got home i told my wife about the hair proof. she ask 'why did't i drop my pants?' we could use the disability, too.
Hahaha! Brilliant!
DeleteCongrats! Take that money and run.
ReplyDeleteHazeGray
Did you see any Messkins in your old age wanderings?
ReplyDeleteNo, they mostly come to town only on the weekends. The tobacco's coming in right now, so they're pretty busy.
DeleteYou seemed to hit a nerve with that post with all the comments. Good for you Ken, may that extra pocket change give you some breathing room.
ReplyDeleteMadMarlin
"Referred to black folks as Coloreds" Classic! Mahalo for making me laugh out-loud!
ReplyDeleteDriving Signal right turn left. Just come to sudden stop in middle of road and start conversation with old mate.
ReplyDeleteWhen lights turn green, wait for them to turn greener, then lurch off just before they turn red again.
And / or select reverse so that they guy behind sees your reversing lights.
Oh, and you have to wear a hat. Not a baseball cap. A hat.
General behaviour. Fart loudly and pretend to be deaf. In fact pretend to be deaf on all occasions. Except when asked what you would like to drink. Then order a double or two of the best bourbon, malt, whatever.
Make loud remarks about those around you.
Always have your trouser zip down and a few inches of shirt protruding. Lots of food on your shirt. And dribble.Leer.Lots of leering at tasty wimmin.
Model yourself on Sir Les Patterson. Watch his videos. Please. And be aware of what "root" means in Aus. (nothing to do with your ancestors)
And for Lisa, I suggest a poem by Jenny Joseph "Warning"
Other than that remember that you are someone that youngsters should look up to.
Aye, right.