So, I spent my day yesterday celebrating my oldness. I had some things in town I needed to do, so I drove 20 mph, hunched over my steering wheel, the entire day. I went shopping for a fedora and bow tie, then figured I'd better buy a cane while I was at it - not that I need one to get around, but it may come in handy for clubbing impertinent youngsters.
I thought about buying a window sticker that said 'Ask me about my grandchildren' but changed my mind when I realized that somebody actually might.
Tried to find somebody that had some watermelon wine.
Started several conversations with "Why, I remember when..."
Asked about a Senior Citizen's discount everywhere I went.
Called 40 year old men 'youngster' and every woman I saw 'Sweetie'.
Engaged another old fart at Walmart in a delightful conversation about killin' Reds.
Considered buying a bird feeder.
Went to the Dollar Store.
Referred to black folks as Coloreds.
Waved at every cop I passed.
Priced .380 automatics.
Clipped coupons from The Penny Saver.
Stopped by my mechanic's shop and inquired about a prescription windshield.
Got pissed because Walmart was out of buttermilk.
Replied to everybody with "EH??? WHAT'S THAT???"
Priced adult diapers and Geritol.
Checked my blood pressure at the Walgreens and shuffled back out without buying anything.
Pretended to lose my truck in the parking lots.
When I got back home hours later (that 20 mph rule is going to take some getting used to) I sat on the front porch and whittled.
Watched Lawrence Welk and Mannix reruns on Youtube.
Fell down twice.
Played 'Red River Valley' and 'Cattle Call' repeatedly.
Pretended to nap.
Looked for the glasses on my face and keys in my pocket.
Kept calling that asshole dog Jack 'Old boy'.
Farted repeatedly without apology.
Went to bed at 7 PM.
Today I'm pricing condos in Miami and looking at Cruise ships.
