Bad things have been happening between us whenever I’ve tried to get into your sack for quite some time. It’s time to face the fact that we just don’t have that old natural spark between us any longer. We’ve faded from organic to conventional. It’s time to move on to fresh fruits and vegetables new — elsewhere. Ditto your firm, moist, and alluring meats of many flavors. None of what you’re doing to me is doing it for me anymore.
I ignored a lot of your irritating habits, Whole — like keeping that entire wing of the dairy case jammed with your revoltingly raw vegan pastes and six flavors of tofu, that sloppy second of soy. I rationalized you were just trying to keep your green ass from getting so fat you couldn’t get into that tacky green apron you insist on wearing all the time, because “they go with my Earth shoes”.
-Stormfax
*****
I've never been in a Whole Foods before, but I came close once.
Doc had recommended some weird off-the-wall vitamin for my ex that I had never heard of before and I asked him, "Now just where in the fuck am I supposed to find that?" and he directed me to a market called Sprouts, just catty-corner from his office, so me not wanting to spend any more time than was necessary with the woman, I took the ex home and went back to get what she needed as long as I had other errands to run.
It was like walking into a whole 'nother world. They had the weird vitamin, they had the tofu, they had fruits I'd never heard of, they had spinach that wasn't in a can, they even had kale. Hell, they had beans I never knew existed. I don't know why a man would need any thing other than pintos or white beans but okay.....
What really stood out though was the shoppers. These folks were all evolved yuppies, a species I had never seen before in Modesto. Fuckers were all dressed in tennis clothing and shit and every one of them were turning their noses up at me dressed in my normal wear - work boots, Wranglers, and a tore up Grateful Dead T-shirt with roach holes burned in it. Folks were giving me some serious stink-eye wondering just who in the hell let the trash in.
Naturally, I hung out for a while just to give them all something to talk about at their next wine brunch or whatever it is that people who drive a new car every couple of years do.
I mean, some of the shit in the store was good, like great big fucking artichokes and asparagus and kiwi and some of the best looking tomatoes I've ever seen, and I did throw some of that in my basket, but I suspect the help's patience was wearing thin when I asked some blonde babe with a purty mouf where they kept their buckets of hog intestines so I could make some tasty menudo. The look on her face was fucking priceless. I tried explaining to her that for any Californian worth his salt, there ain't nothing better than a steaming bowlful of hog guts first thing in the morning, but I honestly thought she was going to call the cops on me so I paid for my plunder and hit the road.
When I got home I told my ex she was going to have to buy her own damned weird vitamins there from now on. That place was just too damned uppity for me.
