Animal control specialists are now going door-to-door on a mission to verify and help update pet owners’ dog licenses.
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This isn't anything new for Stanislaus County, matter of fact it's how Legal Lucy earned her name.
Back in August of 2013, Cousin Donnie, who was a righteous outlaw biker, decided to fuck up a pleasant summer evening by T-boning a pickup truck at a high rate of speed, crushing his wife and son's dreams as well as himself.
Donnie and Janice had 3 dogs - a mastiff, a pit, and Lucy the terrierist - and the poor woman was just overwhelmed with 3 dogs and a 5 year old given the recent circumstances, so she called and asked if we wanted Lucy.
About a month after we'd gotten the dog, Janice called. "Ken, I just had Animal Control beat on my door demanding to see Lucy's registration which expired last month, and they threatened me with a $500 fine if I don't register her within 5 days. I tried explaining to them I gave the dog away, but they didn't care. Can you please go down and register her and bring me a copy of the paperwork so I can tell them to fuck off when they come back?"
"Yeah, no sweat, Sis. I'll call in sick tomorrow and take care of it."
Really, it was no big deal - I thought. I already had taken her to Doc Krueger and had her checked out as well as getting all her shots. Should be an in and out deal, right?
Wrong. The very first thing they did was scan her for a chip which showed her owned by Donald Lewis. Then they told me I had to either have Donnie come down with me or bring in a fucking notarized statement saying he'd given her to me to prove I hadn't stolen the little mutt.
I scratched my head. "Kinda hard to do either," I said. "He's been dead for a month or so now."
"Then bring in a death certificate." Dude was dead serious, no pun intended.
I had to go home and call Janice, who was still in mourning, to ask her for her husband's death certificate. Not only that, but by the time I got back down to Animal Control, the office was closed which meant I had to call in from work another day, losing two days wages as well as the licensing fees.
Then when I called in to work again, the boss that answered told me because I was missing two days in a row, I had to bring in a doctor's note before I could come back. FUCK!!!
I made an appointment with Doc Warwick for later that day. When I went in, he asked me what my complaint was and I told him Animal Control and a dickwad boss.
"I'm sorry, what and what?"
"Fucking Animal Control, and a dickwad boss, Doc. I'm not joking." Then I ran the story down to him, and he shook his head, laughed, and wrote out my doctor's note.
So yeah, this shit ain't new and that how Lucy got the name Legal Lucy because she was now all legal and shit.
She was a very sweet girl
ReplyDeleteShe was. I still think about her every day, her and CharlieGodammit both.
DeleteGood story, thanks. I did wonder how LL got her name. Nothing like a dogmatic dimwit bureaucrat.
ReplyDeleteKen, your dog stories are some of my favorite posts and this one is another great piece. I have to admit your stories of getting fucked up are tied with the dogs, and funny as hell....John
ReplyDeletethe county here wants 15 bucks a year to keep a mutt. why ?, I have no idea. but my neighbor had to show a note from the vet that his dog was dead to stop them from charging his ass with some bullshit. they fucked with him for 3 damn years before letting go.
ReplyDeleteso, either they have nothing better to do, or they really want their 15 bucks
In Kentucky, the license fee supposedly goes into the "Livestock killed by dogs" fund to reimburse farmers/ranchers who lose stock to dogs. When my overweight Bassett/beagle mix is gonna pull down a calf or chase down a chicken I don't know.
Deleteas if expanding bureaucracy and increasing fees and penalties will fix the bonds and pension funding problem.
ReplyDeleteA guy named Roger Hedgecock used to do a radio show. He at one time was also in San Diego city government. He told a story about when San Diego attempted to start licensing cats. He said this attempt had nothing to do with regulating cats, it was an expansion of government, plain and simple. If I remember right the attempt failed.
DeleteI've never looked at small governments the same since, such as my own county government. When I was a kid it was the third largest employer here, behind a tech company and a big logging contractor. Now the county has twice as many employees as its closest competition.
When did America become a nation of prissy as sholes?
DeleteThe government needs the income, seems like the answer to all questions, no matter how stupid they are.
ReplyDeleteI live ...somewhere... in the state of Commifornia and got a knock on the door from "Animal" Control as well. Seems the county pays this broad to go around looking for dogs in peoples yards and hand people tickets for "noncompliance." This county can't even keep the roads adequate enough for JEEP travel, let alone an actual car, but it has enough money to make more money... The law doesn't exist anymore, except as a way to suck money out of your pocket or get you to vote the "right" way... Ayn Rand hit the nail on the head...
ReplyDeleteAh, the joy of being a minor functionary with power in bureaucracy hell.
ReplyDeleteSome people just need killing. Government attracts them kind.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a kid my Mom told me how her brother, when he was a kid, had to put down his dog because he couldn't afford to register it. This was during the depths of the Depression in a small farm town in Utah.
ReplyDeleteDon in Utah
Registers and taxes dogs. Illegals and communists, notsomuch.
ReplyDeleteI made the mistake of getting a rabies shot for my chihuahua pup at a Petco clinic back in the early 2000's. Surprise! A week later I got a registration bill from the county (San Diego). I ignored it. A month or so later I got another notice. I ignored that one, too. I never heard from them again. I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna pay for the right to keep a small dog in my house, a dog that will never see my front yard or the street. They can kiss my ass. I didn't make that mistake with my second dog that I got years later (toy fox terrier cross). San Diego county is pretty lax with stuff like this. They also don't follow up on people who skip jury duty and in fact have come right out and said they don't want people on their juries who don't want to be there. But this idea that people have to pay govt. for the right to keep a pet in their house is bullshit.
ReplyDelete