Saturday, February 20, 2010

This is it. I'm done. Maybe.

Okay, just a couple more thoughts and then I'm going to leave it alone.
1) The fucker that got his ass whipped will never get on another bus without wondering first if "Pinky" is on it and
2) He can't even lie about how Pinky sucker punched his ass because he's all over You Tube now. He got his ass kicked fair, square and righteously. By an old man, no less.

I'm still laughing.....

Okay, the video that I stole from VC and posted concerning the bus asswhipping ruined me.
My own mother can be dying and I'm not going to call an ambulance, I'm calling da ambalamps. Especially after Bill sent me this picture....

Us and Them

Scott Page flat out rocks his sax in this video!

Fuck around and find out

Stolen from VC

Friday, February 19, 2010

I miss my buddy, dammit

Damn, I miss my Punkindog. It just ain't the same coming home to a house with 2 Evil Cats ready to attack. No Punkin to scratch when I reach down, no reason to get up in the middle of the night if I think I hear a whine, nothing to warn me about when the Mormons come, no reason to put my glasses up at night, nothing to trip over. And a package of processed cheese food lasts me forever.
But I still can't bear to put his food dish away.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Word dat. Or is it true dat?

Thanks, LT

I knew they were good for something

ROME -- Italian state TV has suspended a cooking show host who shocked the nation by saying cat stew is a Tuscan delicacy he swears he has enjoyed many times.
RAI TV confirmed on Wednesday that it had suspended Beppe Bigazzi, the 77-year-old host of a popular morning program that offers food tips and recipes in a country fiercely proud of its cuisine.
When his 27-year-old female co-host looked stunned as Bigazzi said he has eaten cat stew "many times," the white-haired, grandfather figure defended his tastes.
"Why, people maybe don't eat rabbit, chicken, pigeon?" Bigazzi said. He could have added horse meat, which many butchers and supermarket meat departments stock.
"Who's not fat, kills the cat," is how Bigazzi began his lighthearted prattle about cat stew.
Bigazzi claimed cat stew was a Tuscan specialty near the Arno river valley, but co-host Elisa Isoardi looked so embarrassed she ducked behind a cart of fresh salad greens whose healthy virtues the two were supposed to be chatting about.
"Cat, soaked for three days in the running water of a stream" in Tuscany "comes out with its meat white, and I assure you - I have eaten it many times - that it is a delicacy," Bigazzi continued.
His critics included Health Ministry Undersecretary Francesca Martini.
"Cats are pets protected by law," Martini noted, specifically against "cruelty, maltreatment and abandonment."
She lamented in a statement issued by the Health Ministry that Bigazzi's advocating cat stew "hurts sensibility, which is fortunately steadily growing, of citizens toward animals."
The director of the RAI channel the show runs on, Mauro Mazza, called the decision to suspend Bigazzi for an unspecified amount of time as "painful but inevitable."
Only a few moments after revealing his startling recipe, Bigazzi seemed to anticipate he would be barraged with criticism. "Now there will be letters from nature lovers. Why don't they defend rabbits?" he asked.
By Wednesday, two days after the showed was broadcast, the YouTube video clip had recorded more than 55,000 hits, and more than 800 comments registered.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My Pops

I've got about a 45 minute drive home from work, pretty much a straight road and because of that, it's boring as hell. So I get a lot of weird shit running through my mind. Today, I was thinking about my Pops. Talk about fucking weird.......
My old man is a retired Army Warrant Officer, came up through the ranks, did 3 tours in Viet Nam, the whole bit. He was raised up poor (the son of a lumberjack) the grandson of a gambler/lawman/outlaw from Arizona. Let's just say Pops is hard. And he raised me the same way. When I fucked up, I knew I fucked up and I have the chipped teeth to prove it. He had no problem knocking me on my ass. But at the same time, he knew when enough was enough. And as kids, me and my brother and sister never did without. Him and Mom may have, but us kids had what we needed. Maybe not what we wanted, but what we needed. And I thank him for my upbringing. He taught me a lot about life. I may not have agreed with him at the time, but the older I get I realize that he wasn't the dumb fucker I thought he was.
Some of his teachings:

1) Family comes first. Period. Unless it's your mother's side of the family. Fuck those assholes.

2) Always put a bend in your beer can where your thumb rests so you don't drop it when you get too fucked up.

3) Never back down from a bully. A broken nose only hurts for a little while.

4) Don't mix beer and whiskey. You will puke.

5) Never kick a dog. That motherfucker will remember, guaranteed. It may be long after you forget, but he won't.

6) Never hit a woman. While it may be permissible to shoot one on occasion, hitting one is not an option. Ever.

7) Never argue with a woman. It'll always piss you off even more. Go fishing instead.

8) If a man is threatening you instead of doing it, there's a reason he's threatening you instead of doing it. He's a pussy. Knock his ass out.

9) A good steak should only be turned once.

10) Measure twice, cut once.

11) There are certain guns that are always kept loaded in a house and there are certain guns that are never loaded in a house.

12) Never beat a child when you're angry.

13) Always drive a little above the speed limit but never more than 5 miles per hour above it.

14) Who gives a fuck if you're not catching fish? You're fishing, ain't you?

15) Walk home after you get your ass whipped and you're in for another asswhipping. You better fight until you can't get up.

16) There's nothing worse than a thief. Break my trust and I'll break your fucking nose.

17) Don't cry. I didn't raise no fucking pussies. Anybody can cry, it takes a man not to.

18) Respect your elders. There's a reason those fuckers are still alive, they're tougher than you.

19) Do something with your kill. Eat the meat or sell the pelt. You shot that sparrow, it's your dinner tonight.

20) The world does not owe you a living. Either work or die. I'm not supporting your ass forever.

Now I gotta tell you, there was a time when there was no love lost between me and my pops. I hated that mean sonofabitch. I was kinda like that dog, I never forgot the asswhippings I got. But I can truly say that I never got an asskicking that wasn't coming to me. Well, maybe a couple but he always apologized and I knew he was sorry.
My Pops is 70 years old next month. He's had some serious heart problems, he has some shit that he's dealt with from Nam and his upbringing, and he's had a hard fucking life.
But you know what? He's my best friend, he's my fishing buddy and the funniest part of all is that even though I'm pretty sure I can whip him now, I still don't fuck with him. That old man still might pull something out of the bag.....

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Wirecutter's dating tips

I haven't had a woman living under my roof for a couple of years now. And while I do enjoy the freedom (you thought I was going to say peace and quiet, huh?), I will admit that are times that I do crave female companionship. Not full time, but a full evening or weekend would be nice. So yes, I do date occasionally. Keeping in mind of course that while I'm not looking for a full time sweetie I am aware that it may happen. And if it does it does.
Where am I going with this?
I'm fixing to give you folks some romance tips. I've got lots of experience on shit NOT to say or do.
Here goes, and not in any particular order:

1) Watch your language, guys. Ladies don't like to be told to fuck off. Period. Be nice when you talk to them. While they may cuss like a drunken sailor, they don't like it when it's directed at them. Ladies, don't tell us to fuck off either. That shit will get you left on the side of the road.

2) For some reason, women like to spill their guts on the first real date. So when she looks at you with those puppy dog eyes and says "I've been hurt before" DO NOT roll your eyes and say "Aw fuck, not another one." Think it, yes. Say it , no. The proper response is "Haven't we all?" Ladies, don't tell us this because.... haven't we all? Deal with it and move the fuck on.

3) Take a dump at the restaurant, not at her place. Common sense, guys. And when you piss at her place be sure to wash your hands because I can doubledamn guarantee you that she's gonna be checking the hand towel to see if it's damp. Ladies, wash your hands if you want. We don't care. It's not your hands we're interested in.

4) When her cat comes over and bites the blood out of you, grin and bear it. Don't kick it across the room. Ladies, you kick or push my dog for any reason whatsoever, your ass is history.

5) Tip 20%, no more no less. If you tip less, you're a cheap bastard. More, she thinks you're just trying to impress her. Ladies, men generally tip a little better especially if the waitress flirts. We know that, you know that, they know that. Deal with it. You have a problem with tipping, let us pick up the check and you leave the tip. But don't get pissed if we throw down a few extra bucks to bring up to that 20% because, well, we're men.

6) Open all doors for her. It shows you have respect. Ladies, we're not being chauvinistic if we do that. We don't open doors because you're a lady, we do it because we're gentlemen. That, and we want to get laid.

7) Be considerate with the tunes. Let her pick them. I'm pretty sure most women don't want to hear Black Sabbath or Hank Williams Sr on the first date. Maybe the second one, but not the first. Ladies, touch the stereo in my truck and I'll break your fingers. If I'm jamming with the Dead, there's a reason.

8) Don't dip. Chew gum instead. The only exception to this is when you meet under casual circumstances like a butchering party and she sees you chewing before you start dating. Ladies, don't dip. Period.

9) Weapons. This is a touchy subject. Don't let her know you're carrying a firearm. Most women freak out. If you're at your house, put it away before any cuddling. If you're at hers, leave it in the truck. It's downright rude to carry a loaded firearm into anybody's house without their explicit permission. If she happens to feel it before you get home, let her know that it's for her protection. It's a guy thing, we have to protect our womenfolk. Ladies, bring yours in, let us know it's there, and show that motherfucker off. It's a turn-on!

10) Don't talk about your ex. Fuck it, she's history. Be interested in the one you're with. Ladies, don't talk about your ex. That hatred may soon be directed at us and we know it.

11) If she wants to watch TV, let her pick the show. Suck it up, man. It ain't that big a deal if you miss Predator Quest one time. Catch it on the reruns or online. Ladies, please don't make us watch The Bachelor or American Idol. We're guys. We don't want to watch gay TV.

12) If you invite her to you house for dinner, cook her a nice dinner. Cook veggies (not vegetables) with the steak because ladies like veggies. Cauliflower and shit like that, you know? And be sure to steam them. Show her you eat healthy. Ladies, shut the fuck up about the bacon on my steak, because that's how I roll.

13) Serve wine with the meal even if you have to ask the guy at the wine shop (skip the 7-11 on this one) what kind to serve. It shows you're sophisticated. Ladies, PLEASE tell us if you prefer beer!

14) Clean and polish your boots. For some reason, women are always checking out men's feet. Nothing turns them off like mule shit or unpolished boots. Ladies, nothing turns us on like mule shit or scuffed up boots (except your guns) so this doesn't apply to you.

15) Shave. Shave right before you meet her. While the rugged look might be a turn on when she's looking at you, she don't want to feel that shit when you're being intimate. Ladies, that goes for you too. Either shave that (insert you favorite word here) the day of the date or not at all.

16) I don't know about you but pretty women intimidate the hell out of me. I have this problem even with friends, you know, platonic relationships. And please don't take me wrong. I have sevearl platonic relationships with women and I value them more you can ever know. But take a drink or two if you need to calm down a bit, just don't take it to the point to where you make an ass out of yourself. If you don't know where that point is, you're a lightweight and utterly hopeless. Ladies, feel free to drink all you want.

Well, that about wraps it up. If I experience anything else that fucks up my dating life, I'll post it then.
Hope this helps.

Brian's newest toy


Hey, Yolo! Whatcha doin'?