Friday, April 22, 2011

Today we honor Mother Earth (snicker)

  • Don’t buy any Justin Bieber CDs. They will only end up in our landfills.

  • Don’t put ice in your drinks. Ice harvesting is destroying the polar ice caps.

  • Drive really fast. The quicker you can get to work, the less time your car will have to burn fuel.

  • Get a dog. A dog can lick a plate cleaner than any dishwasher and the dog uses none of our valuable resources to do it.

  • Drive a really big SUV. They create more shade and slow down global warming.

  • Don’t buy products tested on animals. They look ridiculous wearing make-up.

  • To avoid polluting the air, bring your barbeque grill inside before grilling.

  • Don’t buy flowers. They are grown in greenhouses and we all know the danger of greenhouse gases. At least that can be your story when you forget Valentine’s Day.

  • Flush your toilets only once a day. This will save many gallons of water per day. A lighted candle and leaving the seat down will take care of 90% of the odor.

  • Kill a whale. Each whale eats about 2,500 pounds of beautiful ocean creatures per day. And think of the waste left behind from a 2,500 pound-a-day diet. That giant wasteberg could potentially bring down a ship carrying oil.

  • Paint your SUV green.

  • Wash your hands just once a week. Purell three times a day will take care of the germs, even at the end of the week when it gets pasty while rubbing it in.

  • Don’t buy tuna. Sure most of it is dolphin-safe these days, but none of it is tuna-safe.

  • Plant a garden. (does not apply to California where environmental extremists will block you from watering said garden)

  • Rent an Ed Begley Jr. movie. There are plenty still available.

  • Give a cow a Beano. Cow flatulence is the number one polluter of the environment.*

  • Leave your lights on all day. The brighter we can make it with lighting, the less of our greatest natural resource; the sun, we will have to use up.

  • Buy a Toyota Prius. Maybe you can find ways other than your car to look cool.

  • Use lots of hairspray. This will increase the hole in the ozone layer, which allows heat to escape out- thereby slowing down global warming. Think of the hole in the ozone as a giant vent on the roof of our earth’s hot attic.

  • Take your own grocery bags to the store. This will reduce trash in our landfills and it makes shoplifting easier.

  • Use a windmill to power your home. They create more energy than you can use and it’s fun to watch spotted owls try to fly through their spinning blades in one piece.

  • Use powdered water. It doesn’t do much for thirst but you feel better about using it

  • Forego the oven all together. Uncooked, many foods taste exactly the same as cooked- just not as hot.

  • Buy a Water Pik. You can tape it to the bottom of your toilet seat and convert your existing toilet into a luxurious bidet. This will eliminate paper going down the drain when you flush your toilet at the end of the day.

  • Boycott Motel 6 until they stop leaving that stupid energy-consuming light on for us.

  • Instead of using tree-killing materials, add that extra room onto your house by using “bricks” made of tightly bundled dirty diapers. Not only will your house be greener but the air inside will be a little greener as well.

  • Turn your heat down to 62°. If you get cold you can put on a toasty-warm mink coat.

  • Let your faucet run while you are brushing your teeth and doing the dishes. This extra water will go down the drain and feed the thirsty creeks and rivers.

  • Become envious. It will make you green.

  • Only buy carpet made of bamboo. And be sure to recycle the splinters you pull out of your feet.

  • Eat greener foods. It’s better for the planet and it will save you money. Many foods get discounted once they turn green.

  • After raking your leaves put them in a plastic garbage bag. Leaves are good for the earth and they will last a lot longer in a plastic bag.

  • Make your kids mow the lawn. That way you’ll be burning their excess energy instead of quickly blowing through your own limited resources.

  • Turn the light off when you leave the room. Sure it will anger everyone remaining in the room but you can just say, “Deal with it whiners! I’m being green and junk.”

  • Dig up your trees, bushes and lawn. These just drink up our valuable water resources and require maintenance from gas guzzling, smog producing equipment.

  • Wipe out the panda population. They eat way too much of the earth’s precious plant life.

  • Print all of your emails. That way you can read them all any time you want without having to turn on your power-sucking computer.

  • Use the word “green” in your conversations every time you get a chance. You may not actually be helping the environment but you will sound like you are- which ought to keep those tree huggers away.

  • Take environmental advice from your favorite celebrity- even if he did drop out of high school so he could play the part of Gizzard in Animal Road Trip 3.

  • Eat at the Rainforest CafĂ©. The grilled baby seal is Deeeee-lish!

  • Only buy dolphin-safe beef.

  • Don’t drink bottled water. Instead pour if from the bottle into a glass or Styrofoam cup.

  • Don’t use your air conditioner. Sure, you may have to apply several extra coats of Chlorofluorocarbon producing spray-on deodorant.

  • Ride the bus to work. Just hope you don’t have to sit next to a guy who, in the name of a greener earth, stopped using his air conditioner.

  • Buy a minivan instead of a maxivan.

  • Use disposable diapers. They don’t require earth-destroying chemicals to clean them and they just go into the landfills anyway. And nobody wants to save the landfills. They’re disgusting!

  • Go to the bathroom outside. It saves water. It feeds the grass. And it gives you a chance to say hello to your neighbors.

  • Water is a precious natural resource that needs to be saved. Instead of water, buy ice and let it melt into water. This way, instead of using water you are creating it!

  • Send a designer some money as a thank you for making the world a more beautiful place.

  • Save energy by turning off your TV every time you see Al Gore appear on it.

  • Do your spray painting near a lighted candle. The flame will burn off the harmful VOC’s before they have a chance to rise up into the precious atmosphere.

  • Plant a tree. It creates shade, traps CO2’s and provides oxygen. Plus, it will give you an excuse to go out and buy that 8-horse, gas-powered leaf blower you’ve been wanting.


  • The Freedom Fighter's Journal

    2 comments:

    Pained in Louisiana said...

    JEEEZUS, what can I say? That shit was so funny I now gotta go take one from laffin so hard!!!!

    davecydell said...

    I think you missed something, Wirecutter. Not sure what, but....damn I am sure you did. I'll get back to ya.