Gotcha

One guy says to his buddy "Give me the perfect example of a dilemma, can you?" 
The buddy replied "Well, imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful young woman on one side and a gay man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on?"

Just one of the boys.....

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. 

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

- RDM73

Don't ask if you don't wanna know

 Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to fuck her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, ignores him and continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? What to you want to be when you grow up?"

"I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

-John (of course)

Groan.....

A man went to his friend's costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants.
His friend asks "I give up, what are you supposed to be?"
"Why, I'm a premature ejaculation" he replies.
His buddy asks "Okay, but where are your shirt and boots?"
"I just came in my pants" the guy laughs.

-Rob

Fried rice, chow mein, foil chicken and a blowjob

A guy goes out clubbing and spots this lovely looking Chinese girl and without a moment to lose asks her to dance. They get on very well, more dances, a few drinks and at the end of the night she asks him "Would you like to come back to my place for coffee?" which of course he does. They arrive at her apartment and she tells him to sit down, have a drink while she slips on something more comfortable.
Well, he has his drink and out she comes wearing a see though nightie and says "Tonight I'm you're complete sex slave, you can do anything you want."
He replies "Wow that's great, I'd really like a 69!"
"Fuck off!" she says, "I'm not cooking this time of night!"

Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ." "Oh my God!," said Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty pound King crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper smiled and said, "We're gonna pull her back up again tomorrow." -WiscoDave

Funnier than midget rassling

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two working girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the second midget asks the first "How did it go?"

The first midget mutters "It was embarrassing, man. I just couldn't get it up". 

The second midget shakes his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the fucking bed".

I feel ya, man.

I think it's downright pitiful how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs. When I was loaded, I couldn't even find my fucking bike. Sometimes I couldn't even find my house.

Poor Kevin. Now you know how we feel.

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin.”

Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.

Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.

"Well miss, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

- CrankyJohn

Times are tough all over

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump. She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trading sex for ammo?" 
 I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, just what kind of ammo have you got to trade?"

-Rurik

What goes around comes around

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, liberal and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" 
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

- Miss Lisa

At a church in Detroit.....

At the end of his fiery sermon the pastor asks the congregation "Is there anybody out there there that has any need special needs that we can pray over?"
Tyrone walks up to the altar with some hesitation and tells the Good Reverend that he could use some prayer about his hearing.
"Your hearing? You need prayer for your hearing?"
Tyrone nods. The pastor seizes Tyrone by the shoulders, sticks his finger in Tyrone's ears and commences to pray, asking God to heal Tyrone, calling down all the Angels above to help. The Pastor is shaking and trembling, he's so overcome with the Spirit.

Finally, he's done praying for God's divine mercy. Exhausted and perspiring heavily, he asks "Son, how's your hearing now?"
"I don't know" says Tyrone, "It ain't til next week."
-Irish

Oh shit oh dear

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

- Stuart 

It's all a matter of perspective......

Jesus loves you.
Gratifying to hear in church, terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison.
-Don

From the comments

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America!" The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
-Anonymous

Fucking Okies.....

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The coroner tells the detective: "First body: A wealthy New Yorker, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile. Second body: Texan, 25, won $10,000 on the Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile".

The detective asked "What about the third body?"

 "Ah" says the coroner "This is the most unusual one. Billy Joe Shattucks, from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the detective.

"Thought he was having his picture taken".

Straight-up White Trash, God bless 'em

Two men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 recently. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 calibre bullets from his pistol fitted perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on east bound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never again operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might be dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened" said Deputy Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

Or is it just me?

Have you ever noticed how fucking huffy people get when you go into a restaurant and tell 'em that you only want white people touching your food?

Haven't fucked with the muslims in a while

Why don't muslim kids play in sandboxes?
Cats keep covering them up.

When I was a kid I was so poor.....

Two  Okie kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?" The other answered "Yeah! It's probably because they have real toys to play with!"