Sunday, May 06, 2012

Help a commie out, yo?

Mark sent this in via email.

At first I thought this shit was real and I was thinking hey, I could put up a website/youtube video and ask people to send me a dollar a day to keep me from gassing hippies again this year.
Then I figured out that the real money maker would be to ask for two bucks a day to attempt to gas at least one hippie this Occupy season. Anything more than one gassing would be bonus. If a big enough single donation was made, I could even holler your name while I'm squirtin' him or her - your choice of gender - right in the eyeball. I could eventually work my way up to being sponsored, wearing t-shirts advertising businesses like 'Buster's Bail Bonds'.
Hell yeah! I'd be (in)famous - Occupiers everywhere would have special squads keeping an eye out for me twinkling their fingers when they spot me, the real 99% would import me when they got tired of the shenanigans, I'd get invited to birthday parties and shit, maybe even get on Fox News. I might even be able to endorse my favorite brand of pepper spray: "Howdy. My name is Wirecutter and I gotta tell ya, this pepper spray is THE shit when ya don't have time to be fucking around. It cuts right on through the grease, grime and filth of the nastiest occupier and just fucks the rest of his day right up."

And then I thought, I cannot in clear conscience make money on something I enjoy doing. I freely admit I enjoyed the notoriety that I got last year, but that wasn't the reason I did the deed. I just wasn't in the mood to be fucked with.
If you're a new reader and wondering "What in the fuck is he talking about?" go HERE.
But I did enjoy doing it as it was happening. I will cop to that. After seeing the reaction of the gassee, had I had another can I probably would've run down another hippie and got him too.
I've got a new brand of pepper spray that has great promise, Inferno, put out by Cold Steel. It shoots out as a foam and liquefies on contact and has good coverage on the targets that I've tried it on. It's not available for sale in Kalifornia. Have an out-of-state buddy buy it for you and ship it.
So I'm gassed up and ready to go and Occupy season is here again. And I'll do it for free.