Saturday, January 05, 2013

Fun at the El Walmarto

Yeah, so in between naps I decide to go to the store for some steaks and Lisa makes a list of a half dozen things she wants needs and has to have. So I head for one store for the steaks, then swing by the Army Navy Surplus store to calm my already frayed nerves (shopping does that to me) then go by the 99 Cent store for CharlieGodammit's weekly supply of rawhide bones and as if I didn't have enough of rude metsicans at that point I drive to the Walmart for the rest of the shit.
I park as far as I can away from everybody else and then walk the half mile to the store and it is fucking packed, man. It looked like the Mekong river in there, man. Like a brown sea, you know? As soon as I walked in I'm immediately blocked by a family of five that is ambling along abreast blocking everybody else out, so I'm going from side to side trying to get around them until finally the man of the family turns around and asks in a snotty tone "What are you trying to do?"
"I'm trying to get the fuck around you, what the hell do you think?" We glare at each other until his wife pulls him away. I go past him, pick up my 3 fucking items and head to the checkout line. I hate standing in line but I've learned to never use the self checkout if you're carrying a few concealed weapons. So anyways, I'm headed that way and coming towards me is a tweeker chick weighing in at oh, 87 pounds, and she's wearing a shirt that says 'Lifeguard'. I don't know who in the hell she thinks she's fooling - judging by the dirt and scabs on her face as well as her smell, water ain't touched the outside of her body since maybe 2004. I cannot wait to get the fuck out of there and back home where I can hear the english language again and the worst smelling thing around is CharlieGodammit..

I finally get outside and hike back to my truck dodging the petition people, panhandlers and pickpockets that are lurking outside. I fire it up and back out and cut across all the empty parking spots to head out the exit I usually take on the other side of the store and right away a Walmart security truck (has 'Security' in mexican on the door, no shit) races up behind me and turns on his yellow light bar and follows me off Walmart property and through 2 other parking lots til I stop at the red light to turn left onto the public road.
The the security guard jams on his brakes, jumps up and races up to my truck. "Hey you!!! Didn't you see my lights?"
"Yeah, so?" I reply.
"Why didn't you pull over then?" He puffs out his chest so I can see his security badge.
"Ummmm, maybe because I didn't want to? Get the fuck away from my truck, youngster."
Man, some people are waaaay too impressed with themselves. The light changed, I grinned at him and pulled away real slow, hoping he'd do something stupid like try to grab me or follow me. No such luck - he stood there for a second then turned around without looking and almost got creamed by an Okie in a beat-up old farm truck.
Damn, I hate dealing with the general public.