Saturday, January 05, 2013

Fun at the El Walmarto

Yeah, so in between naps I decide to go to the store for some steaks and Lisa makes a list of a half dozen things she wants needs and has to have. So I head for one store for the steaks, then swing by the Army Navy Surplus store to calm my already frayed nerves (shopping does that to me) then go by the 99 Cent store for CharlieGodammit's weekly supply of rawhide bones and as if I didn't have enough of rude metsicans at that point I drive to the Walmart for the rest of the shit.
I park as far as I can away from everybody else and then walk the half mile to the store and it is fucking packed, man. It looked like the Mekong river in there, man. Like a brown sea, you know? As soon as I walked in I'm immediately blocked by a family of five that is ambling along abreast blocking everybody else out, so I'm going from side to side trying to get around them until finally the man of the family turns around and asks in a snotty tone "What are you trying to do?"
"I'm trying to get the fuck around you, what the hell do you think?" We glare at each other until his wife pulls him away. I go past him, pick up my 3 fucking items and head to the checkout line. I hate standing in line but I've learned to never use the self checkout if you're carrying a few concealed weapons. So anyways, I'm headed that way and coming towards me is a tweeker chick weighing in at oh, 87 pounds, and she's wearing a shirt that says 'Lifeguard'. I don't know who in the hell she thinks she's fooling - judging by the dirt and scabs on her face as well as her smell, water ain't touched the outside of her body since maybe 2004. I cannot wait to get the fuck out of there and back home where I can hear the english language again and the worst smelling thing around is CharlieGodammit..

I finally get outside and hike back to my truck dodging the petition people, panhandlers and pickpockets that are lurking outside. I fire it up and back out and cut across all the empty parking spots to head out the exit I usually take on the other side of the store and right away a Walmart security truck (has 'Security' in mexican on the door, no shit) races up behind me and turns on his yellow light bar and follows me off Walmart property and through 2 other parking lots til I stop at the red light to turn left onto the public road.
The the security guard jams on his brakes, jumps up and races up to my truck. "Hey you!!! Didn't you see my lights?"
"Yeah, so?" I reply.
"Why didn't you pull over then?" He puffs out his chest so I can see his security badge.
"Ummmm, maybe because I didn't want to? Get the fuck away from my truck, youngster."
Man, some people are waaaay too impressed with themselves. The light changed, I grinned at him and pulled away real slow, hoping he'd do something stupid like try to grab me or follow me. No such luck - he stood there for a second then turned around without looking and almost got creamed by an Okie in a beat-up old farm truck.
Damn, I hate dealing with the general public.

20 comments:

Buckaroo said...

And I was so waiting for a long blast of pepper spray at the end of the story...

wirecutter said...

All he had to do was touch the vehicle, man. But maybe he heard about the last time somebody did that.....
Thanks for bringing a smile to my face with that memory, Buckaroo.

drjim said...

Ya done good, Ken!

whisker child said...


Just found your site- you are awesome. Feel the same toward those people at Walmart as you do.
Viva Mexico! (not)

Huckleberry said...

That is what I was waiting on to!I was thinking Barney was about to get pepper sprayed,Funny story either way.

Anonymous said...

Shoulda let Charliegoddamnit take a bite outta his ass!

wirecutter said...

Anon - he wasn't with me, he was at home with his nose stuck up Lisa's ass.

Fallinfast said...

In Texas its called a "Mexican Parade". They have to walk beside each other insted of behind!

Dan O. said...

Well, I don't have to deal with the metsicans here in the Buckeye, but I have the same feeling of dealing with the public in general. I don't like their driving habits, their fucking annoying kids or their inability to give a fuck about other people around them, i.e., courtesy. I may be a grouchy S.O.B., but I am courteous. Until some self-centered fuck pisses me off.

Btw, you should have pepper sprayed the rent-a-cop just for approaching your vehicle in a menacing manner.

Anonymous said...

Regarding the public and people in general, I like most dogs more than most people.

Old Goat Patrol said...

"Why didn't you pull over then?"

'Because you are not a law enforcement officer and have no authority.' I said that once and the kid had no comeback.

Anonymous said...

Getting to be some smart ass bastard`s ain`t they . He never even thanked you for all the free obama shit your pocket is being picked to provide for them. And these fuckin rent a cop`s , Ha !.

Anonymous said...

Great story and a fabulous site, Big Fur linked you and I've bookmarked it.

Just a word of caution on those rawhide chews-I had given them to my doggies for years-all GSD so big chested-and they had a habit of swallowing them not throughly chewed up-it finally caught up with one of my best dogs ever-she got bloat and was dead in half an hour-broke my heart.

I now give my dogs raw beef bones that my local butcher cuts up for me-about a buck a pound and their teeth are gleaming white and their acid bath stomaches make short work of the bone they swallow.
MM

Anonymous said...

Why no self checkout with weapons? I never had a problem with a Microtech, two folders, tiny Swiss army on keys and maybe my Junglee cigar cutter/knife/moneyclip. Oh, and a 1911 under the shirt, spare mag in pocket. The Walmart here doesn't have self checkout but several other stores do.
Terry
Fla.

Dun Karinn said...

Just got back from Wally Weird and I feel your pain. Had the pleasure of turning down an aisle and getting stuck when two "go cart riders" going in opposite directions decided to stop side by side for a chat.

wirecutter said...

Anon@9:55 - because everything I was carrying was illegal and if the little buzzer goes off when I go out the door because I missed ringing up something or the person keeping an eye out over there even thinks I missed something, then I'm getting stopped, fucked with, and searched. Even if I tell them to fuck off and make it to my truck, the cops will catch me before I get home. Then my truck gets search and then I'll really be in trouble.

Anonymous said...

Shit, I forgot Kalifornia. Bummer. I think even the Microtech OTF is legal in this county, not on all Florida counties though
Thanks for response.

Terry

thebronze said...

Right on, Kenny!

I love it when Securiturds try to exert their non-existent authority.

Crustyrusty said...

Pepper spray...? Obviously I missed something.

wirecutter said...

Crustyrusty - Go here:

http://ogdaa.blogspot.com/2011/11/modesto-aint-new-york-motherfucker-we.html

That's the incident and post that catapulted me to fame and fortune. Well, fame, anyways.
The incident spread like wildfire across the conservative blogs.