Sunday, February 24, 2013

My trip to the Walmart

I had to go to the Walmart today. I hate the Walmart. I HATE THE WALMART.
But it's either the Walmart or driving into Modesto which I hate even more.

I only had 5 items on my list - tea, lemonade, CGD food, toothpaste and them little crackers in the green box.
Lisa's not feeling well today and she paints and I know for a fact that she's out of brown paint because she asked me to pick her some last time and I got the wrong kind, so I figured I'd pick some up for her while I was there. Okay, 6 items.
So I go and pick up the tea first because it's closest and I know exactly where it's at. Just as I'm reaching for it, Hari the Hindu rounds the corner and stops right in front of me with his sari clad wife and 3 little hindi.
"'Scuse me, Hari" I say, always the polite one. Then I go get the lemonade and of course they don't have the kind we like so I start to get another kind. Just as I'm reaching for it, here comes Hari again and he stops right in front of me. I excuse myself again and continue over to the crafts aisle looking for brown acrylic paint. I see tea brown, I see cinnamon brown, I see outdoor brown. I do not see plain motherfucking brown acrylic paint. I call Lisa and tell her that motherfuckers are starting to piss me the fuck off and is cinnamon brown paint good enough. She tells me yes (I wasn't expecting a different answer when I put it that way), so I picked it up and then backed right into you guessed it, Hari the Hindu. I gritted my teeth and told him "Look. I'm headed that way. You go that way." He nodded and headed off in the direction I pointed, to the feminine products section.
Little crackers in the green box. You would think they'd be in the cookie aisle or at least close by, right? Nope. How about the bread aisle? Uh-uh. I found the motherfuckers in the coffee and tea aisle where I started my shopping experience. Coffee and tea aisle..... But I got 'em.
Dog food and tooth paste. I know where that shit is. I go to the toothpaste aisle and see Hari again who grabs his family and flees. Then I head towards the dog food but see a clear path to the sporting goods section so I jam over there to check and see if by some miracle they have any other ammo besides 45-70 in stock. That's a no-go so I head for the dog food but am detoured by a gang of teenage girls towards the bedding section.
As I'm walking through there I hear a bed squeaking. I come around the corner and look up and see a wore out (and I do mean wore out) tweeker chick on a bed on the second tier of the displays bouncing up and down on a bed while her ex-convict old man is riding herd on the kids. These fucking people are Nasty with a capital N. Lice and shit nasty. I close my eyes and shake my head. Note to self: NEVER buy bedding from Walmart.

I'm finally fucking done and ready to check out so I jump in line and who in the hell is in front of me? You guessed it - Hari the Hindu and his family. Not a problem though, he sees me coming and moves over to another line.
I get checked out and immediately get mobbed by a shitload of Brownies selling Girl Scout cookies and 3 petition guys. Can my trip get any worse?
Yup. I forgot where I parked my truck.

I think I need to start thinking of going to the Walmart as entertainment instead of a chore. It might make it a little easier.