How to tell if there's a Lady Of The House

There’s pictures on the wall instead of barbed wire displays.

No cobwebs in the ceiling corners.

There’s no dead fish floating in the fish tank with the assumption the live ones will eat them.

There’s more food than beer in the icebox.

There’s no black powder guns in the dishwasher. And yes, you WILL own a dishwasher.

Towels and socks are folded even though who gives a fuck if they’re wrinkled or not.

Dinner is eaten at the table instead of over the sink or trash can.

Dirty clothes are in the hamper instead of on top of it.

Dogs get table scraps after you eat, not while you eat.

The refreshing aroma of Hoppes #9 is replaced by Glade.

There are no disassembled firearms on the table for any length of time.

The Christmas Bush is decorated with bulbs and shit, not bass lures.

The welcome mat says Welcome instead of Come Back With A Warrant.

There’s a little towel in the bathroom that you’re not allowed to use.

You own more than 2 pairs of Wranglers.

There are no animal hides awaiting tanning in the freezer next to the frozen food.

You have vegetables with your meat.

You have one little closet while she stores all of her shit in the spare bedroom.

You own a hair dryer.

There’s all kinds of weird shit in the bathroom that you don‘t want to know what it‘s for.

Reloading at the dining room table is a no-no.

Skinning poles and gambrels are out of sight of the kitchen window.

Dogs are not allowed on the furniture.

You have dinner guests - her friends, not yours.

You have to look guilty and say excuse me after farting.

Laundry is sorted before washing, not after drying.

She tries to feed you cheese and fruit and crackers for dinner.

Fish and small game are cleaned outside, not in the kitchen sink.

You have to wash your face after the dog kisses you on the off chance he licked his ass first.

Dinner must be planned instead of eating what’s available.

No live catfish in the bathtub awaiting cleaning after you get some sleep.

Laundry must be dried the same day it’s washed.

You have to answer your phone with Hello instead of Who the fuck is this.

You have to answer your phone. Always.

You suddenly own a cat and you‘re not allowed to kick it.

Your plants and lawn are green.

The carpet gets vacuumed whether the dogs are shedding or not.

No camouflaged furniture allowed.