I still miss him terribly.
I don't look for him any more but I do think about him when I get up every morning to let Legal Lucy and that asshole dog Jack out. I remember how he used to be standing at the door, waving that big furry tail and grinning at me when I walked into the kitchen. I started our day by kneeling next to him and rubbing his side, then he'd bump his forehead against mine a couple times. It was a daily ritual.
I remember how I'd be sitting in my chair and he'd come and sit in front of me and lay one of his giant paws on my leg, and if I patted my chest he'd lift up and lay his head on my chest while I stroked him. He loved that as much as I did.
He was a great dog. As rowdy and rambunctious as he was when he was younger, he was every bit as gentle and mellow as he got older. He was one of the only dogs I've had that I trusted completely with other dogs or kids.
CharlieGodammit and a neighbor girl in California
I've thought about him every single day for the last year, but now the thoughts I have of him are good thoughts. For the first month or two after he died, when I thought about him, it was thoughts of me holding his head in my lap as he was dying wishing there was something I could do but knowing in my heart there wasn't. He loved and depended on me as much as I did him, and I failed him at the last. That still bothers me.
I had CharlieGodammit cremated, the only dog I'd ever done that for. My intentions were to take most of his ashes in the spring and spread them on his favorite spots on the property, maybe take a pinch and rub them into the backseat of the truck where he used to lay.
I still haven't done that yet, and I don't know why. His ashes still sit on a small table in the living room in a box that Woody made for him, his collar on top of it.
Maybe next spring, I don't know.
I knew this post was coming...My puppy Morgan passed 11-21-19.
ReplyDeleteYeah, dogs are the best.
QHM
It takes a long long time, it's been over 3 years for me. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it.
ReplyDeleteKenny, I believe that all dogs go to Heaven. The entertaining and heartfelt stories you've shared with us of CGD lead me to believe that Heaven is enriched by his presence there. Chin up, today! You'll see him again as he'll be there to greet you with that big grin on his mug.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless!
It's hard to let go, whether we want to admit it or not. Even worse when hindsight stubbornly points out that maybe you could have done this or that, noticed this or that, taken this or that hint more seriously.
ReplyDeleteHeck, mine died a decade ago, was technically my sister's dog (responsibility isn't Sis' strong suit), and just started to throw up one morning (well past her lifespan), and was gone by dinner.
Still got the box, the card, the bag, the paperwork, the ashes and bones. She was a good dog, sometimes a pain, but in a weirdly obedient manner when it mattered. Also never thought that I'd care that much about a pet (didn't really grow up with any, tended to find them a hassle when I was a young adult), but it's the little things, every once in a blue moon, that kinda knock you on your ass.
Freddy K.
The thing with him and what made it so hard is that when I woke up that morning, I had no indication at all that it was to be his last day on earth.
DeleteHell, up until he had that heart attack he was acting perfectly normal, wanting his nightly rawhide treat. I gave it to him, then 10 minutes later he started howling and died.
I feel your pain. I had to put my little one down 5 years ago and it still really hurts at times. I have sworn that, as much as I love dogs, I can't get another one and have to go through that kind of pain again.
ReplyDeleteYou never forget a good dog. RIP CGD
ReplyDeleteLost 3 house pets this year... Rough.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I are honored to have met him.
This "harden your heart shit" is tough...
Fuck. Just Fuck.
"He loved and depended on me as much as I did him, and I failed him at the last. That still bothers me."
ReplyDeleteYou didn't fail him. You were there for him. That's what he needed. When it's time, it's time. There's nothing anyone can do to stop it. The fact you were there holding him gave him the peace he needed as he journeyed to the other side and knowing he was not alone. That is not failure. That is ultimate friendship. You did well.
Now if I can just convince myself of that...
DeleteAgree, Anon. Ken, failing is not a word to use with CGD. You were the best thing that ever happened to him and he to you. It was his time to go, you were there to comfort him. He is a soul you will always remember and I to believe you will be able to bump foreheads with him again one day.
DeleteMy condolences. Having been through something similar, I understand completely.
ReplyDeleteKenny,
ReplyDeleteI miss all of your stories about Charlie, they would remind me of my dogs - best friends that I had the misfortune of losing. You allowed me to have a dog thru you with Charlie, I could not have a dog during that time because of my work schedule and travels. I can't begin to tell you the amount of times while reading your accounts of Charlie's adventures that I laughed and shook my head think of my lost friends. I know how much it can pain us to have to hold our friends while they take their last breaths, but rest assured that the lord holds a special place in his heart and heaven for our unyielding friends. I'm sure Charlie will be waiting for you with his big fluffy tail wagging and wanting no more than to be close to you once again. Again I can not thank you and Charlie for bringing a great amount of joy and laughter into my life.
Let the Blessings Be.
ReplyDeleteOh Man, I feel your pain. Just a bit over a year since I had to put my choc lab down. 15 years is a hard habit to break. We did luck out and found another great rescue dog, she's a she though and Ive never owned a female dog. So far, she's a super sweet and smart golden retriever. Gracie (Mae) as she is lovingly known!! Peace Brother.
ReplyDeleteIt is good that you remember him Ken. He was a member of your family when all said and done.
ReplyDeleteI know a lot of us here have similar sadness for our lost dogs, I certainly do.
Kind regards
Fuck Ken, it hurts, imagine I am across the other side of the world and never met either. My heart will most probably give up if my dog dies.
ReplyDeleteTake all the time you need.
ReplyDeleteHe was a real beauty...in every way. And you didn't fail him...don't do that to yourself. Every living thing has it's time written in God's book....not a minute less or more. It was his time, and you comforted him in it. You didn't fail him, you loved him. Stop beating yourself up...that's the work of the enemy on you...don't cede that territory in yourself to him or he'll take even more....he never stops.
ReplyDeleteJust thank God for all the gifts He's given you...some of the best of those are our little fur-balls. They sure brighten up our lives, and teach us better how to love...and forgive....even (and sometimes especially) ourselves.
God bless you WC....and your beautiful Miss Lisa.
Thank you. That dog truly was a gift.
DeleteNice.
DeleteAmen Sister!
DeleteI can’t think of Knuckledraggin without thinking of the stories of CGD. He is as much a part of this blog as you Ken. And thank you for all you do.
ReplyDeleteMadMarlin
I think that dog did more for this blog than I ever did.
DeletePeople who aren't dog people just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteCondolences, Ken, I can't imagine how much you are hurt over this dog dying before his time. The love you radiate when talking about Charlie is what the world needs more of.
ReplyDeleteGood dog, good memories.
ReplyDeleteI had my dog cremated also. I was surprised when I got a call from the vet and they told me his ashes were returned. I went to pick them up and was handed this cardboard box. Took it home and opened it up to find a wooden locked box that looks a lot like teak or mahogany, with his name engraved on the lid. It was beautiful. I haven't opened it. It sits in my living room. It'll probably be there when they wheel me out.
ReplyDeleteMr. Lane, sorry but you will have to suffer me once again as I am also a dog lover.
ReplyDelete1) You did not fail Charlie. You gave him love, fed, housed and vet care and gave him love. No doubt he loved you too and I am one of the ones that believe our wonderful Creator has our beloved dogs in Heaven and we will see them again. God is too perfect in all of his ways.
2) My backyard is a graveyard (6 thus far) for past dogs but many from earlier are not there.
3) Ching - Shar-Pei - poor dog lived most of his later years in a cage - had a habit of biting strangers (almost got sued) and peeing around the house - felt bad about that but could not put him down - died of natural causes around age 12.
4) Odo - another Shar-Pei - a good dog more attached to the boss then me - got cancer around 7 years of age and that was nasty till the end.
5) Max - studied breeds and decided I wanted an English Mastiff - got him as a puppy - I think he was my most favorite dog. Weighed close to 250 pounds and was just downright beautiful. Mellow as can be - never growled once in his lifetime and full of love. He outlived all of his litter mates as he was well taken care of - never once saw the inside of a kennel - always planned vacations and trips around him. Died from natural causes when he was 11.
6) Ceaser - While we had Max, the boss came across a rescue English Mastiff online. He was 9 years old and in bad shape and had been mistreated. Took him in and gave him the best 1.5 years of his life for sure (talking to you Mr. Lane about thinking you did not do your best for Charlie) - He was an absolute hoot and loving. Max and him were best buddies, I was in heaven with 2 great dogs. He had medical issues - had to build a ramp for him to get up our steps and spent over $5K to keep him going. He passed from natural causes one night unexpected and it was very hard but it was his time to go. I take solace knowing that he was very happy his last 1.5 years.
Sorry - had to split due to size limitations.
ReplyDelete7) Bosco - another rescue Mastiff - was 4 years old when we got him and lived his life up until then in a cage and had intestinal issues - prior owners giving him horse medication to save $. Took time to fix - pooped bloody diarrhea about 20+ times every time he went out. Suddenly when he was 7 years old, he literally started bleeding through his skin one night and was failing fast - some sort of rare cancer that took him within a day - talk about thinking you let a dog down! He was a very good boy, mild mannered and full of love.
8) Reuben - between Max and Ceaser, the boss got a french bulldog we still have but nearing the end. Good dog, kinda cool, but not an English Mastiff. :P
9) Iggy - another french bulldog and a rescue - not the brightest bulb in the pack but love him.
10) Heidi - my parents dog (American Eskimo) and my Father asked for her to be buried in our "pet cemetery".
11) Marley - the current one I have. He is another rescue English Mastiff that we were asked to take in because he was abused and had heartworm. During his treatments, he developed a limp and found out he has bone cancer. This was June of 2019 and he was given 3-6 months to live. The boss has been giving him lots of supplements (she makes turmeric paste and other things for him), special food (feeding time is quite the chore- he gets a can of sardines every day) and he is still around 15 months later, albeit, it appears to be catching up to him and I am prepared for him to fail quickly at any time. His original name was Troy Boy - but he was very difficult at first due to his past treatment, aggressive with food, a garbage hound and very destructive - I thought for sure he was a goner when he went down to the basement, ate a bag of treated soil and a few days later a bag of treated grass seed but he survived. That is when I decided to rename him Marley! Today, he is well behaved and very happy - living the best years of his life he has ever had. Winter is coming and I may for the first time like you decide to have him cremated.
Thanks - I did this for you but now I realize it was more so therapeutic for me. :)
JamesD
Hey Kenny;
ReplyDeleteI hate to say it, we checked out the blog more for CGD stories than to see what you were doing, he was the draw and you are a heck of a storyteller so the combination was very entertaining for us. We miss him too. Pet legal Lucy and that asshole dog Jack and the pain will be easier...won't go away, but it will be easier. I still miss my "other" dogs that I had in my life, thay are part of our journey and they enriched our journey by being there.
Good dogs bring good memories. It's a heart breaker to loose them, but we will see them again. The ones you have now are not there to replace him, but take there own spot in your heart and home. It's a comfort to have them. Charlie will always be missed but not forgotten.
ReplyDeleteTake care my friend, in knowing that he is looking down upon you
Sometimes dogs are angels in fur suits.
ReplyDeleteAlmost thirty years on, I still miss my Molly dog. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life is have a terminally ill dog put down. When Annie, our second Goldie developed hip dysplasia, we had her on three meds, including oxycontin, which our vet prescribed and we bought at Walmart. The meds gave her a year she would not have had otherwise. When she got us up at 4:00am one morning, unable to stand up, my wife asked: "What are we going to do?" I said: "We're going to do what we have to do. The toughest thing I've ever done is about to become the second hardest."
And now, our rowdy Rosie is five years old and thinks she's five months. Rosie is a very pampered princess (too well behaved to call spoiled), and we treasure every day with her.
You are not alone in the pain of your loss. It's part of making us what we are.
From personal experience I know the dogs I have now and the dogs I have had to cry over at the end, they chose to be my friend and companion. I did what I could as I do now in my aging years to show love, find adventures for them and just show my appreciation for the love they give me. The currant crop still rolls in cow shit periodically or finds a skunk at the worst possible time, they are dogs after all, but I can tell you, happily married after 45 years with 7 grandkids, I still would not take a million bucks for the time I have with my best friends. I guess Ken, I am saying always treasure the friendship you had, but remember others are needing that same love and will be better for it . God bless
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff!
DeleteI've said it here before. You got me hooked at "How Charlie Goddammit got his name". You're a good man.
ReplyDeleteThe fact you still miss your dog after all this time speaks volumes about the quality of character in both of you.
ReplyDeleteKenny, you and I have never met. But my heart hurts for you every time charlie comes up. I know how much you loved that dog.
ReplyDeleteAin't it something how they can be complete assholes young, then mellow with age? Guess us humans are not much different.
I hope everything was well for Ms. Lisa on Tues. God bless you both. Heaven willing, I might finally escape NY someday, and buy you a beer.
The power of unconditional love.
ReplyDeleteUnconditional love for the Human and unconditional love for the Dog.
It goes both ways.
That's why it works!
Kenny, I feel for you. We actually had adopted a rescue dog back in August. Less than 10 weeks later we lost him to GME, same as our previous dog. He didn't suffer very long at least--it all happened very suddenly.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing to feel guilty about. And you did not fail him. He passed away in the arms of his father.
ReplyDeleteThey are important. Respectfully, Alemaster
ReplyDeleteWe lost Maggie the Country Poodle this past May just a bit shy of 18 years old. She was of great disposition with personality traits unique to me, wife and daughter.
ReplyDeleteI've had 5 dogs dogs over the years and each left me with indelible memories. Our stories and adventures together cover all my life. We miss her but for me it's especially when for half-a-beat I look for her early of a morning when the house is still.
Jack, Maggie and our other Buds will be around as long as we don't forget them.
My continued condolences to you and Ms.Lisa for your loss.
ReplyDeleteRIP Charlie GD
JD
Ken, If giving CGD the best possible life is a failure then you are in fact guilty. I'm sorry, but, I have to disagree with you on your assumption that you failed him. There is just too much you have written and posted about him that would give any indication at all of a failure. I have said it many times...you are a good man. We know that and Charliegoddamit knew it too.
ReplyDeleteAndy
Ken, I've been reading you for a long, long time, going back to right after Obama got elected. I comment once in a while but not often because I don't have much worth saying, but I can't have you saying you failed CGD. There's no way you failed him. You gave him a dogs life with everything a dog could ask for, but most importantly you were there for him at the end. You showed him the love dogs crave when he needed it most. It was his time to leave this mortal coil and you can't control that but you did do what you could do and that's be there with him to see him through. I nearly croaked 13 years ago and the overwhelming sense of loneliness as I lay on that hospital bed is something I'll never forget. Charlie didn't have to suffer that because you were there for him. Stop doubting yourself - you did good.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that.
DeleteLosing dogs are difficult. I know what is like. I have ashes of 29 dogs.i rescue German shepherds and I keep them for life. I want to be with my dogs in the afterlife. You will see CGD again. Read the "Rainbow Bridge"
ReplyDeleteI had lost track of you for ahwile, I am so sorry for your lose, you are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI won't make your heartfelt post about me other than to say my great dog Crockett had a bad end, slowly whittling down from lupus to eventually blind and dying last Dec. You gave your fella a good life, all he wanted was you. Dying suddenly in your arms is terrible but it beats the fuck out of every other way. No way in hell is that a failure.
ReplyDeleteOur previous two dogs' ashes are in Uncle Mitchell's humidor. It's almost full so I don't suppose our current dog's ashes will go in it. We'll find something.
ReplyDeleteNobody ever told me just how hard losing a dog can be. Had I known, I may have never decided to become a dog owner. And yet loss happens. And memories live on. The only sad memories my dogs ever left me were of the days each died. Unless you're a dog owner, you'll never understand. BTW, anyone who ever tells you to "Get over it", well, they're not human.
ReplyDeleteThey do enter our lives and our hearts in unexpected ways. They leave a big hole in both when they depart, no matter how big or small their stature. I know the last time I lost one of ours, I kept putting her dish out without thinking and would catch myself when I realized she was gone.
ReplyDeleteIt's been almost a year and I miss her greatly.
It is amazing how these animals touch our hearts. The best we can do is give them a good life and help them thru the transition when it comes. My animals have made me more human. Be content in having had him in your life for a while.
ReplyDeleteI know just how you feel, Kenny. I lost a Maine Coon cat this year to cancer after 18 years. When the Mrs & I were watching teevee, he would jump up on the couch and sit between us, with his paw on top of my hand. We called it "holding paws". He was a cat who acted like a dog. Very sweet.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless Us, We are truly fortunate to be given such beautiful creatures to share our lives with..
ReplyDeleteKenny, we lost our 10 1/2 year old English Lab in August 2020. My wife and I cried our eyes out for days...still miss him terribly. He loved kids and when they were around, such as when we were hosting a picnic for the church, the would throw rocks in the pond and he would dive down and get them, much to the delight of the children! He injured his left rear leg as a puppy and the surgery did not help. Nicest, kindest guy he could be. I petted him and got the last wag of the tail. I buried him in our yard where he used to lay. Still cry about him...but then about two weeks ago I had the oddest event occur to me on a Thursday morning. I couldn't sleep around 4am so I got up out of bed and went to my recliner in the Man Cave. This was the most vivid dream??? I ever had: Hoyt appeared in front of me with our blue weimer and great dane on either side of him. It was incredible! I said, "Hoyt, you are no longer of this realm, you are not supposed to be here." He spoke and said, "I know, but I got special permission. I just wanted you to pet me another time and to tell you that I love you. I then reached out with both hands and gently petted him. He said, "I just wanted you to know that I'm alright now, I'm not crippled any more. And one more thing, I'll see you later." And with that, he turned, walked away from me and disappeared. I ran through the house sobbing like a baby to tell my wife. Thanks for letting me tell my story.
ReplyDeleteStill makes me cry. The ashes thing is odd. There usually comes a day when it feels nearer to spread them, but it doesn't come on any schedule, and I bet CharlieGoddammit is perfectly content to wait with you for as long as it takes. <3
ReplyDeleteCondolences on the anniversary of CGD's passing. I've posted this here before, but it bears repeating:
ReplyDeleteTHE RAINBOW BRIDGE
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
Author unknown...
-Ed in Wa