Bad things have been happening between us whenever I’ve tried to get into your sack for quite some time. It’s time to face the fact that we just don’t have that old natural spark between us any longer. We’ve faded from organic to conventional. It’s time to move on to fresh fruits and vegetables new — elsewhere. Ditto your firm, moist, and alluring meats of many flavors. None of what you’re doing to me is doing it for me anymore.
I ignored a lot of your irritating habits, Whole — like keeping that entire wing of the dairy case jammed with your revoltingly raw vegan pastes and six flavors of tofu, that sloppy second of soy. I rationalized you were just trying to keep your green ass from getting so fat you couldn’t get into that tacky green apron you insist on wearing all the time, because “they go with my Earth shoes”.
-Stormfax
*****
I've never been in a Whole Foods before, but I came close once.
Doc had recommended some weird off-the-wall vitamin for my ex that I had never heard of before and I asked him, "Now just where in the fuck am I supposed to find that?" and he directed me to a market called Sprouts, just catty-corner from his office, so me not wanting to spend any more time than was necessary with the woman, I took the ex home and went back to get what she needed as long as I had other errands to run.
It was like walking into a whole 'nother world. They had the weird vitamin, they had the tofu, they had fruits I'd never heard of, they had spinach that wasn't in a can, they even had kale. Hell, they had beans I never knew existed. I don't know why a man would need any thing other than pintos or white beans but okay.....
What really stood out though was the shoppers. These folks were all evolved yuppies, a species I had never seen before in Modesto. Fuckers were all dressed in tennis clothing and shit and every one of them were turning their noses up at me dressed in my normal wear - work boots, Wranglers, and a tore up Grateful Dead T-shirt with roach holes burned in it. Folks were giving me some serious stink-eye wondering just who in the hell let the trash in.
Naturally, I hung out for a while just to give them all something to talk about at their next wine brunch or whatever it is that people who drive a new car every couple of years do.
I mean, some of the shit in the store was good, like great big fucking artichokes and asparagus and kiwi and some of the best looking tomatoes I've ever seen, and I did throw some of that in my basket, but I suspect the help's patience was wearing thin when I asked some blonde babe with a purty mouf where they kept their buckets of hog intestines so I could make some tasty menudo. The look on her face was fucking priceless. I tried explaining to her that for any Californian worth his salt, there ain't nothing better than a steaming bowlful of hog guts first thing in the morning, but I honestly thought she was going to call the cops on me so I paid for my plunder and hit the road.
When I got home I told my ex she was going to have to buy her own damned weird vitamins there from now on. That place was just too damned uppity for me.
Hah! The precursor to Whole Foods here in East Massholia was a local chain called "Bread and Circus." There was one next to a discount liquor store I used to get booze from, so I'd go in for the people watching every once in a while. The crowd was different from the current WF crowd. B&C was full of old, white, hippies (is there any other color of hippie?). Despite all the "health food" this and "macrobiotic" that, 90% of those people looked like they had serious wasting illnesses. Scrawny, weird pasty color, scraggly hair. You get the picture. And they were self-absorbed fucks. Some jackass would have the entire aisle blocked with his cart diagonally in the middle, while he was in another aisle reading the label on a $7 can of special tuna or some shit.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes get the stinkeye in the WF. Usually because I'm laughing (or sneering) at something absurd. Though I haven't been in one around here for almost three years. (I did walk into one in Chicago in June. Mea culpa.)
When we were looking for a house in Overland Park before we moved there in 2010 my wife wanted to stop and pick up a cake mix as it would be late that night when we got back to Salina. Saw a Whole foods and went in. She asked an employee where cake mixes were and he looked at her like she had two heads. We had neverbeen in a Whole Foods before and when we moved we never went in again. Steak was twice the cost of any other store. The patrons even look askance at you when you pull up to the recycle bins in a 20+ year old truck.
ReplyDeleteSo you are a Junk Food Junkie ?
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glY31qBcwAM
I used to think I was just naive, now I say I'm pure.
ReplyDeleteUsed to have to go to the local granola barn for some of wife's over-the-counter vitamins. Always made sure to eat horrid meat before so I could belch and fart meat smells all over the store.
ReplyDeleteAlways felt like, well, one of those raptors from 'Jurassic Park' amongst all the herbivores in there. Seriously, they all moved slowly and thought slowly. Me, stomping around the store, making fake dinosaur sounds, snarling etc, while I crouched down somewhat and held my arms forward like a T-Rex.
Go up to one of the staff and ask three quick questions, and by the time they started to answer the first, I'd say "nevermind" and stomp away, snarling and flexing my claws.
It's the simple things that make my life fun... Miss doing that.
Fuck them and Joe Biden!
ReplyDeleteRanch Style Beans
ReplyDeleteBush's baked beans
Try 'em, you'll like 'em.
(Not available at Whole Foods I reckon.)
Went in a Whole Foods in La Jolla Ca. over ten years ago, put an apple on the counter, 75cents...left it at the counter and have never been back.....
ReplyDeleteWe have a Sprouts. Everything you say is true. The only reason I stop in is they give away their meat trimmings for free if you get there at the right time. I grind it into the best burgers you've ever tasted. No other store around here will do that.
ReplyDeleteI admit it, I go there. They have an aged gouda and a lobster bisque I have to have every once in a while. Yeah, you're right about the clientele - many Teslas hooked up to the free charging stations and some strange looks when I wear my Vietnam Vet baseball cap.
ReplyDeleteYou'd never make it in Briar Patch Food Co-Op. It's at the roundabout on Sierra College Drive in Grass Valley, California.
ReplyDeleteI've never been in the place but I've been dealing with their looney ads for over 30 years, so I'm fairly confident of my appraisal of the people that shop and work there. And one of my life goals is to never be seen in the place.
I went to Arby's once.
ReplyDeleteLOL, hilarious and VERY believable story, saw the same thing around San Jose.
ReplyDelete