Sometimes he blows hot, sometimes he blows cold. We've had a vet visit where he walked in under his own power, played well with others and was the perfect pet. We've also had visits where I had to physically pick that 90 pound fighting piece of shit to get him through the door, then have to drag his growly ass across the lobby and into a room where I'm trapped with one thoroughly pissed off pit bull.
Then after giving me a few minutes to calm him down, the vet techs enter the room. They come in a team. They always come in a team. They know this dog. Each of them take their assigned positions and I grab that asshole dog Jack by the collar and bring him in tight to me while talking to him.
Here's where it goes one of two ways: One, the vet babes take full advantage of the moment and attack in unison, each of them popping him in the ass with a syringe. It's over in a flash, Jack never sees it coming, never feel the needles going in. No muss, no fuss. Jack's getting patted on the head and he doesn't know why.
Or Two..... something goes wrong. Maybe one of the vet techs moved into his field of view, maybe he heard one of them praying, maybe I was on his collar too tight, but just as they would go in for the shots, he'd buck and the fight was on. Fucking tables careening around the little room, Q-Tips everyfuckingwhere. I'll get the goddamned dog cornered and pinned and they give him shots and then he'll shake it off and be perfectly well behaved, acting like nothing ever happened.
It's like we'll be fighting and rassling around on the floor with him snarling away, some serious white trash shit going on here, right? and then they give him his shots and I let him go and say "Come on, Jack," and he says "Okay, man." and gets up like it's just every day shit. Okay, that's done, let's move on.
This trip..... Okay, there's a bit of a build-up here.
I've known he was due for about a month now but it's such a fight with him, it's something I dread as much as he does so I've been putting it off and putting it off which reminds me I need to just make that dump run and get it over with.
Anyway, I'm pretty stacked up the next week having only Monday or Thursday free and his rabies tag expires the following Friday, so I called Wednesday to see if I get him in sometime in the next couple weeks and get his shots. "Um, we can get him in tomorrow at 11:45."
Tomorrow??? Aw, hell no. I need time to contemplate, to steel myself, to gird my loins. There's strategy to work on and a plan of attack to develop. "Right on, 11:45 tomorrow. You don't have to sound so cheery about this, you know."
Laura laughed. "I'm on the other side of the counter, hon. I'm just a spectator."
Wednesday night was spent mostly in meditation and prayer as well as dabbling in some essential oils and shit.
So Thursday morning about eight I slipped that asshole dog Jack a doggie downer. By 11, it seemed like it was taking the edge off a little, although not nearly as much as I had hoped, so I loaded his ass up in the van about a half hour later and we hit the road.
Okay, the van was part of the strategy. He likes riding in the van more than he does the truck for some reason, plus the van has a sliding door on both sides as well as a large deck to rassle around in.
Last couple times I've taken the truck, I'll open the back door to get him out and he'll go to the far side and curl up in a ball, growling, and not his 'I wanna play' growl either. I'll slam that door and run to his side and he'll switch sides on me. At that point, I just reach in and drag his ass out which is not a good way to start a hopefully uneventful vet visit.
But with the van, I can climb in there with him through one door and then kinda push/nudge him out the other, right?
Then once I got there, the problem is getting him in the damned building. Last time, I just walked his ass back and forth in front of the building a few times and on the last pass at the entrance, I just snatched the door open and pushed his unsuspecting ass inside with my legs. I figured I'd give that a shot again - it had been a year, he'd probably forgotten about it.
We pulled into the place and Jack looked up and went 'Aw fuck'. I recited Psalm 91 verses 5-7, took a deep breath, got out all casual and shit like I always do when we're running errands, then I slid the side door open and climbed in. Another 'Aw fuck' look from Jack. I hit the button on the passenger side door and hustled Jack outside as the door was opening, me dead off on his heels holding his leash. Fuck yes. It actually worked. I closed the slider and locked the van with the fob and headed towards the building, Jack walking dejectedly beside me, seemingly resigned to his fate. Right on.
I was was on a roll here. That walking him back and forth bullshit just went out the window. I'm gonna walk that motherfucker right up to the door and see if he'll go in like a real dog.
I'll be damned if he didn't. We walked on up to the door, him even stopping while I opened it, then he walked in on my heels.
"Wow, that was weird," Laura said after I shut the door.
"Scary, huh?" and I walked over to the scales, pointed and snapped my fingers. Jack got on them and sat down.
"Daaaaamn....." she breathed.
Laura walked us to our room, Jack bumping into her and looking up hoping for a pet. Suckass. We're in the room just a couple minutes and the vet tech A-Team comes in, one who 'knows' Jack and the other, a new girl about 6 months preggers. Wonderful. Now I have 4 lives to worry about.
This is always the point where he gets real nervous, sedated or not, but other than a look of disdain, he didn't pay them much attention
"Hey ladies, how about if I sit on the floor in that corner and I'll get him on the floor in front of me with his head in my crotch, then you jab him in the butt?"
Okay, they both nodded in agreement as they started uncapping syringes. It's your balls.
"C'mere, partner" and he balked. "Calm your ass down, it's the rabies shot your getting, not covid. We're not trying to kill you." I got him where I wanted, told him to lay down, then grabbed his collar and pulled him to me so I could deliver some of those deep behind the ear scratches that almost paralyzes him. The girls seized the moment and in less than 5 seconds he got 3 jabs. I scratched his ears for a few seconds more and let him up.
Smiles abounded and Jack was getting doggie treats as fast as he could eat them.
As we were leaving, the pregnant babe turns to the other and says, "I gotta admit, it was kind of a let down."
So yeah, we go out to the lobby and I told Laura I'd be back in a second to settle up as soon as I put that asshole dog Jack in the van. I'm feeling good, bro. Everything went perfectly and I mean from start to finish. And then I opened the passenger rear door to put Jack in and see the driver's side rear door was standing wide open. I'd been in such a hurry to hustle Jack out the other side, I'd forgotten to shut the one I came through. It was standing wide open in front of the building the whole time. So much for a perfect operation.
After I got that asshole dog Jack back in the van, I turned on the AC so I could go back in and visit for a couple minutes while I paid my bill. I know Laura pretty good, she's the office manager plus she helps the counter girl scheduling clients, so she saw me at least once every couple of weeks as I was getting meds for Legal Lucy before she died.
"Looks like Jack finally decided to settle down," she said. "I bet that's a relief."
"That would be nice, huh?" I agreed.
She started laughing and told me she had the opportunity to take the day off but when she knew I was coming in the next day, she decided to come in for a half day just so she wouldn't miss the show.
I used to have a cat that would go completely ape shit when I took him to the vet. Galls sells stab/puncture proof gloves that are made out of a mixture of Spectra and Kevlar. Expensive, but they worked great. Cat tried his damnedest to bite/scratch me through them with no success. The vet tech was so impressed that she ordered a pair for herself.
ReplyDeleteI so do enjoy your stories - had me laughing at the office.
ReplyDeleteI saw shot day and I went to the cabinet and took one.
ReplyDeletenice.
DeleteQHM
Sounds like a good time was had by all, if no new scars or stitches needed your mission was a success. ..... I had a German Shepherd named Rufus when I lived in the great state of by-god Alabama. Big boy, about 90lbs, that was as strong as a mule... He was like that, he loved going ride but sometimes didn't like the destination, especially if it meant getting poked and prodded.... There was one very attractive young vet-tech he was fond of so if she was working it usually went well, if she wasn't then all bets were off..... That as much as any other reason I just started giving the shots myself, so much cheaper and a whole lot less hassle..
ReplyDeleteJD
We have a local vet who provides shots at predetermined locations around the upsate.
ReplyDeleteHe places small bill boards out, a week or so, in advance with the dates and time.
Folks gather and wait in line, as much as a half hour before the vets' scheduled arrival.
The vet is providing a huge service to our communities...It works well and you don't pay
for an office charge...and the critters get their shots on schedule. The last sign I noticed
the charge was about 12-15 bucks...It appears he devotes a couple days each month on
a planned route...He stays at each location till everyone is taken care of, then moves on to the next one...gathering his signs as he goes. We've actually taken advantage of His service a few times...
As long as he stayed clear of the Moderna shots he'll be fine
ReplyDeletesometimes , just be quiet , dummasss. you trying to amuse yourself gets long in the tooth.
Deletelooks like you struck a nerve with a clot-shotted karen, Bogside.
DeleteIt'd suck to know what's coming....makes 'em a little testy I guess.
I marginally live in a very small town, and I walk about 5 miles every day. Part of the walk is on a country lane with a Vets office; large animal farm stuff vet. A while back they had a HUGE bull in a trailer backed up to the back paddock area. Bulls make a particular sound when they are mad about something and it can be load and immediately apparent that Mr. Bull is getting ready to set things right...and he did. I watched for about 30 seconds until I realized his likely escape route would be through where I was standing. I talked to a few locals the next day and found out Mr. Bull indeed dead break a lot of stuff before they calmed him down.
ReplyDeleteI could be wrong, but there's a definite scent of fear and concern when any critter enters a veterinarian's office. Its a smell in the air. They sense it. It can also come from the pet owners anguish. Our buddies read us better than most think.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you're on to something concerning the atmosphere.
DeleteIn spite of the story, I wasn't tripping too hard. I knew it had to be done and there was no sense in stressing over it. Just get in and get it done.
I did know I needed to do it a more better different way to keep his stress level down and apparently it worked.
I never raise my voice in anger to him any more. He was very high strung when he showed up on my doorstep and it didn't take me long to realize yelling at him sent his anxiety level through the roof and just made things worse. Now I talk to him in the same tone of voice no matter what.
We had a 100 lb german shepherd that would hide underneath the chair at the vets office - the chairs were the size of those you see in an elementary school. You’d feel sad for him but couldn’t help but laugh, too!
ReplyDeleteI do hereby declare That Asshole a keeper. Good work, Kenny. xoxox
ReplyDelete^^^five thumbs up on that!^^^
DeleteNow that is just funny right there. Critters never do anything that you expect.
ReplyDeleteGreat story. What a good boy.
ReplyDeleteMy new dog was leery of the vet, but as soon as she gave him a treat they were instant friends.
ReplyDeleteThey've apparently had a rash of bad vaccine reactions this year (shocking, I know) so I was warned to watch him closely for a couple of days, but he wasn't even a bit sore or anything.
Jack's been off his feed today, but that's to be expected.
DeleteGlad it went well for ALL concerned, you most especially.
ReplyDeleteHow many people does it take to get a blood sample out of a pound-and-a-half bearded dragon?
ReplyDeleteThree. Two techs to hold him down and the vet to get the sample.
Coelacanth
Great story needs a follow up story like my 100 lb Rottweiler/Shephard mix rescue.Nickname was Reckless. As a Pup I named him Recks. Said he needed training. Yeah no. First time homeowner in brand new house and first time dog owner, I got this. Big yard, soon to be big dog.
ReplyDeleteFirst night in large crate with bedding I was told he won't pee or poops where he sleeps. Well they were wrong, Shit all over including the walls. Middle of night he is sleeping upstairs with woman and me. And that was that. Cage gone next day and large dog bed in BR. Added another as he aged for downstairs when we were home.
Don't ask about Halloween or July 4th
Forgot to add about Recks when I adopted him from shelter. I needed to get proof that he would be neutered. So I dropped him off before work. Went to pick him up at end and while paying before they brought him out I was told. "He will be lethargic and not eat or drink much, that is expected". Paid and all I hear is 2 people trying to hold back a dog barking and running for door.
ReplyDeleteSaw me and went loving crazy uncontrollable. Brought home and ate full quart of dry food and quart of water. So much for vets knowing my new dog, I had my own new Marley, just larger.
--eh--I learned that 'hold 'em close' trick with a sketchy GSD that was 'sent to us' from the midwest. We had dealt with this type before and this one scared the crap out of that staff - "doesn't like to be touched/afraid of men/aggressive with staff...etc, etc)...(etc, etc)...It sounds like you know that routine
ReplyDeleteMy god - the poor girls who were driving the van that got her here - had the paperwork to sign off - "they told you about her...RIGHT?!"...poof - down the road they went...
Luckily the vet we'd worked with for decades was as -adaptive- as yours...still took a while to figure out her triggers and had to deal with them right up until her....last....visit 12+ years later...just didn't like people coming in to HER space...easy work around once we figured it out (more or less...)
Miss that doll - still have the kitten she adopted - but know damn well I really shouldn't take on another one. The misfits tend to live a ...very...long time here and I would be in my 70's trying to load that next one up for vet visits...
-limitations...and all...
You're a good dog dad, Ken. I know of what you speak.
ReplyDeleteOhio Guy
My son has a Vizsla of about 50 pounds. He says that it takes six vet techs to trim her nails. I assume five to hold her down and one to trim.
ReplyDeleteSurprisingly, that's the one thing I've never had any trouble with. It doesn't bother Jack one bit to have his nails trimmed. I can knock out all 4 feet in about 3 minutes by myself.
DeleteWhy would you poison your dog with vaccines? That's why they get food allergies, skin conditions and have seizures. They don't deserve that.
DeleteBecause rabies is a very real threat out here where I'm at. I don't live in a fucking city.
DeleteThe second reason is, I don't want him taken from me if he bites a trespasser and third, I don't want to have to pay a fine if something happens and I can't pony up his shot records.
I've had dogs all my life and I haven't had a single one that had an adverse reaction to vaccinations nor have I ever known anybody that had a dog that had reactions like you describe.
Write the book, please.
DeleteMobius wouldn't let anyone touch him, except family. We got to be hair trigger catching people trying to pet him. He'd rip their hand sure as shit. Only 50 lbs, so I'd just hug his head and shoulders in tight at the vets. Thing is, he'd let out this oscillating tasmanian devil kid of growl the whole time. Loud. Everyone in the building could hear it. There would always be a crowd waiting to see the monster come out. But like you say, he was done, happy little guy. "That's the monster?!?!?" Truth is, he would have bit them all. quickest dog I ever knew.
ReplyDeletehad to take the girls in for their annuals last week. it's pretty much the only time they are walked on a leash,or need to be. the old lady does fine (12) but the baby(8) thinks she has to do the under the barbed-wire army crawl the whole time. oh well. wannabchuck
ReplyDeleteI'm the Chief-of-Staff for the workplace cat. Cat thought she was dying inside the carrier on the way to the vet. Got to the vet and opened the carrier; cat s l o w l y came out and decided everything she could see belonged to her. Vet fell in love with her and wanted to take her home. Didn't hurt that the vet was a cutie herself. Sometimes, rarely, my job is easy.
ReplyDelete