Saturday, November 01, 2008

Helping the homeless

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"

I'd think it would be at least 20 bucks

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.
The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.
"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation - surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"
The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

What a cutie


An old couple are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting in a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll give you one from behind."
Without them knowing, the young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiled to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old folks going at it.
He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the old couple near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her underwear and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, the little old lady reaches for the fence. What follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could fuck like that now, let alone in 50 years time!"
By this time the old folks have recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the couple. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you do it like that 50 years ago?"
The old man replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified!"

Ageless Wisdom

...the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.'
Cicero , 55 BC

Thanks, Roy

Check out the receipt....

Click to enlarge

A "Post Turtle"

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, The doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there to begin with.'

I will behave, I will behave, I will behave

Today is the day of my parents' 50th Anniversary party.
I have starched and pressed my best pair of Wranglers and a nice shirt, polished my fancy boots, bathed, shaved and trimmed my handlebar mustache, brushed and waterproofed my "marrying and burying" 10X Stetson, left bail money with my best friend and braced myself to face all my damned relatives.
Two hours to go.
Wish me luck.

Halloween's over

I told you I've got a headache!!!!!!!

Nothing a chainsaw wouldn't fix

So that's why the drains are clogged....


Tweekers - Yeah, we got 'em here too

10,000 points and you get a free toaster


Thursday, October 30, 2008

Make sure it's charged before you try to cut your wrists

I'm in love

Straight up White Trash, God bless 'em

Gotta be California (again)

This will fuck up his day

Yeah, here's our future

Sponsored scooters?

But I need a woman dumber than me!

Happy Halloween

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Here ya go, Deb. You'll love this one!

For Deb at:

From - Thanks VC

John Wesley Hardin's grave

Second cousin to my Great Grandfather. Concordia Cemetery, El Paso Texas.

White Trash party platter

Tater Tots and wieners. Mmmmmmm

Gotta be California (again)

I'm pretty sure this a girl.

Some things just weren't meant to be pierced

Tape would've better, ya think?

A female tree?

Yeah, that's about right

Let's hope the snake has been recently fed

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Not dog?

Go Baby, go

That's one way

Oh no no no no NO!!!!

Gotta be California (again)

If women ruled the world

My kind of Doctor's office

I've already got a picture of the bike.....

No caption needed