Saturday, September 26, 2009

Gotta be California (again)

Now that's some serious bass bait

CAMEL TOE!!!!!!!!

This a Yo-yo.
This is NOT a Yolo.

-Thanks, Yolo

Another good humor blog

Got this link from Shay. Send some traffic his way, will you?

Say, I was just wonderin'.......

From the Sonora Union Democrat

Bacon. Mmmmm, bacon.....

My first post of the day concerned a house that went up in flames because of a pan of bacon caught fire.
I cannot believe that there are people out there that can fuck up a pan of bacon.
BUT........ apparently there are. If you fall into this group and are too embarrassed to admit it, never fear. I am now going to explain to you how to properly fry up a pound of bacon.
What you need to get started is:
A pound of thick sliced bacon
2 or 3 or 4 beers
Bacon grease
3 or 4 slices of stale bread.
A frying pan or two
1 drooling dog

Let's talk about bacon first. When I say thick sliced, I mean thick sliced. This means you either have to go to the butcher shop or if you can find it, the stuff in your grocery store that's labeled "Ends & Pieces". It comes in 3 pound packages and runs about 6 bucks. Or even better, bacon that you slice yourself. Quarter inch thick slices are just about right.
It can be regular smoked bacon or pepper bacon. I prefer pepper bacon, myself.

Let's get started.

Now there's 2 schools of thought on frying bacon. Some folks like to throw the whole pound in 1 skillet, mix it all up and fry away. I don't go for that shit. I like to lay mine flat and fry it, that way it's all cooked the same. You don't end up with raw fat on some pieces and burnt meat on the others.
That being said, crack open a beer and cut your bacon to fit your pan(s). I use two pans at a time so the bacon is done quicker. Set it aside for a minute, being careful to keep it out of reach of the dog.
Melt enough bacon grease to cover the bacon once it's in the pan. DO NOT use olive oil or vegetable oil. If you are even considering this, you oughta be shot. Move your cursor to the right hand corner of this page and click the little red X, then go to some French website where you belong. While you're there, learn how to wave a white flag, pussy.
Heat your grease on a medium heat. You don't want it to smoke, but you do want the bacon to sizzle when you put it in the pan. Crack open another beer.
Put your bacon into the pan, laying it out flat. There should be enough grease to cover it all to ensure even cooking. If it spatters, turn down your heat just a tad. Sizzle, good. Spatter, bad. Do not cover the pan. You don't want to foul your bacon with water moisture. If you get grease on the stove, wipe it off. If some of it hits the floor, well, that's part of the reason of why you have a dog handy.
After a few minutes, kick the dog out of the way and pick up a piece directly over the heat and check the fat on the underside of the meat. It's it's turning a nice golden brown, start flipping the rest of them, rotating them in the pan so that the ones that were on the edge of the pan are now over the heat and vice versa. This should be the last time you flip the bacon. It should cook for about half the time before you flipped it. Open another beer.
Take the stale bread and tear it into small pieces and lay them on a plate or in a large bowl. Set that aside.
Okay, here's the critical part. Check the underside of the bacon again. When it looks like it's almost done, it IS done. Open another beer and without removing your pan from the burner, remove all the bacon except for one piece from the pan. As you remove the bacon, set it on the bread. This will soak up the grease.
Cook the remaining piece of bacon until it is good and crispy to the point of being burned. Pull it out, crumble it up and throw it back into the grease. That way you'll have cracklins in your grease for next time. Take the pan off the burner.
What you have ended up with is a pound of bacon that is chewy, flavorful and evenly cooked.
Remove your bacon from the bread and throw the grease soaked bread to the dog. It'll put a shine in his coat, his bowels will move better and he'll love ya forever.

Now how fucking hard was that? And you didn't even burn your house down......

Watch for smoke, too

Okay, it's come to my attention the past couple of days that there are some seriously stupid fucking people out there.
One of the things that got me to thinking is the article in the post below this one. And I'm going to get back to that later.
The other one that grabbed my attention is this: A while back about dusk I was kicking back enjoying some cold liquid refreshments and somebody knocks on my door. This is unusual because NOBODY comes over to my house unless they call first and secondly, I don't have any fucking friends anymore anyways. I don't know why.
"GO AWAY" I holler. They knock again.
Fuck. I put down my beer, pick up my revolver and open the door. There's a cutie in her early 20s standing there with 4 of her friends out by the curb.
"Good evening, sir. We're college students at MJC and we're trying to make some extra money painting house numbers on curbs and we just happened to notice that you don't have a lighted house number......"
"Yeah, I'm not interested. Go away." I don't believe they're college students anyway. If they really were, they'd be out drinking and smoking dope somewhere and listening to indy music instead of pestering me on a Friday night.
"But sir, what if your house were to catch fire? How would the fire department find your house?" she asks.
Jeez, your parents are supporting your dumb ass through college?
I just looked at her and said "They'd probably home in on the flames shooting through the roof, Sweetie."

That's what happens when you abuse bacon

From the Modesto Bee:
A family of four was temporarily displaced Wednesday after a cooking accident triggered a fire in a Modesto home's attic, fire officials said. No injuries were reported.
The attic fire was reported about 1:15 p.m. at the single-story house at Mount Vernon Drive and Tully Road.
Fire Battalion Chief Terry Inderbitzen said the fire actually started a few hours before, when burning bacon produced flames that moved up into the vent above the stove.

Karma's a bitch.

Monday, September 21, 2009


The next motherfucker that emails me about being a dirty fucking (your expletive here) Republican is getting his email address and ISP number published!
I am a registered voter with the American Independent Party.
Conservative, yes.
Very Conservative, yes.
Republican, FUCK NO!!!!!!
You wanna see what I'm about? Go here:
Get off my ass, motherfuckers.

Mickey back in the 70s......

And Mickey and his Sweetie today

An Obama Coloring Book??!!

A fucking coloring book for this asshole. The indoctrination begins with the young. Next stop, youth camps and turning the parents in for criticizing the government. The 1930's (Germany) all over again.

Bacon. Mmmmm, bacon.....

If you're going to drink this might be the drink of choice

Homemade Bacon Vodka
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I admit, I can’t remember the singular event that conspired to the creation of this bacon vodka. It came to life this Christmas and found home in a tasting kit of vodkas I made for friends and family. If you have time, bacon and vodka, you too can have this tasty elixir in your hands.
What to do with it you ask? You can give it away as a gift, use it in a Bloody Mary, Make a Bastardized Cloudy Martini (a real martini doesn’t have vodka) with it and a blue cheese stuffed olive. I haven’t tried this one, but I can recognize the appeal of a Pickle Juice Sport made with bacon vodka (that’s pickle juice mixed with vodka).
It is also wonderful when mixed with date syrup for a sweet bacon cordial. It can also be poured into a spray bottle and used to spritz just a touch of smoky bacon flavor to salads, toasts or stews… wherever you want to add a touch of flavor.
Perhaps a dab behind the ears?

Bacon Vodka
makes up one pint
Fry up three strips of bacon.Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit in the jar. Or you could go hog wild and just pile in a bunch of fried up bacon scraps. Optional: add crushed black peppercorns.
Fill the jar up with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks. That’s right- I didn’t refrigerate it.
At the end of the three week resting period, place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Strain out the fats through a coffee filter to yield a clear filtered pale yellow bacon vodka.
Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy.

Gotta be California (again)

Is this two chicks? Two dudes? A chick and a dude? A chick and a tranny? Two trannys?
I really shouldn't post shit like this when I'm fucked up.
I think I'm gonna get sick.

What the fuck? I'm serious. WHAT THE FUCK?

Damn. I knew I shoulda went to college.

Click to enlarge

Squeeze, Junior. SQUEEZE!!!!

I wouldn't mind a pubic option.....

Jesus, peeple. Spel it wright if you want to be takin seriusly.

CAMEL TOE!!!!!!!!

That'll do in a pinch

How 'bout a helicopter, 7 hooters girls (front one may or may not be bald) and a.....friggin penguin.
Have good one, man.
-Jim R
It ain't guns, camel toes, and dogs, but what the fuck, it got a grin out of me.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Well, shit.

Okay, I don't know how the fuck this happened but somehow I've managed to pick up a spare Evil Cat.
Over the past couple of months, there's been this mangy white and black spotted cat hanging out around my front yard, napping in my weedbed, shitting in my ivy and generally being the vagrant lazy fucker I wish I could be.
I've tried running him/her off, chucking rocks at it, and kicking at it when I caught it lounging on my porch. Tonight when I headed out for a night of carousing and tomcatting (no pun intended) the stupid motherfucker actually came up and rubbed against my leg.
I hate cats.
So I fed it.

Oh Happy Day!

-Thanks, Cyndy

CAMEL TOE!!!!!!!!


Pass the eye bleach, cbullitt.............

Drugs are bad

Click to enlarge


I wish this picture had been taken 2.5 seconds later.

Gotta be California (again)

I'm serious. This HAS to be California. Castro District, San Francisco, California to be specific.

This job fucking sucks

Mickey's guns

Thank God for the well armed biker. You won't find any group of men that are more patriotic.
No shit.

Mickey and the lovely Miss Buffalo Chip

Mickey's old lady must be taking this picture judging by the position of his hand.
D-d-d-d-damn, she's fine!