Tuesday, February 28, 2012

May I have your attention please?

No, this ain't my finger

While sober and after careful and lengthy deliberations on my part, I've come to realize that I love Miss Lisa very much and that I have not given any consideration to life without her.
We've been together 10 months, lived together for almost 8, and have yet to have a cross word or disagreement. My life with her is stress-free. She accepts my stance on my political views and occasionally even agrees with them.
Seriously. I could do a lot worse.
So Friday night I got down on my knees - both of them, I'm 52, godammit - and proposed and she accepted without laughing at me, hesitation, or reminding me of a restraining order.
We hugged, kissed and then CharlieGodammit immediately ran over and jacked me out of the way so he could get some of whatever was going on. Whatever.

There are a couple of added bonuses too. There's the 80 bucks a week extra when I change my withholding and last but not least, she can't be compelled to testify against me in a court of law. That can be important, ya know.

So then Monday I drove her to the airport so she could head back to Tennessee for a couple of weeks to visit with her family and take her grandbabies to Walmart.
The week prior, she kept busy by preparing meals for me and freezing them, telling me where the cleaning utensils were, how to make coffee, doing all the laundry down to the last sock and still trying to tell me how to use the washer and dryer, telling me when to water the plants, you name it.
I finally had to stop her and let her know I done this shit before, man.

The first day out, I dump a load of Copenhagen in the toilet and then amuse myself by pissing the wad apart so it's loose and floating everywhere. Then I flush and instead of it all going to San Francisco like it's supposed to, it all just sat there, swirling around. I looked everywhere but I can't find a plunger. Okay, I looked in only 2 places - under the sinks and next to the toilets, where the hell else do you keep a plunger - but it ain't there.
Fuck.
Well, we haven't needed one since we've been here so maybe it's out in the garage with all of our my shit that still hasn't been unpacked, so I throw on a Tshirt and go out to the garage and peer into maybe 3 boxes. No luck.
Fuck again.
Okay, this is a no-brainer. I don't know why I'm even tripping on it. She's going to be gone for 2 weeks and I got 2 bathrooms and I ain't expecting no company.
Problem solved. For 13 days anyways.

She calls this afternoon for a chat and things work around to dinner. I know she's concerned that I'm going to starve and she knows I know, so she's trying to be tactful about it. But I already know, so what's the point? I'm going to fuck with her about it.
Anyways, she asks what I'm doing for dinner.
"Meat" I replied.
"Meat?"
"Meat. I'm smoking some meat for dinner. No vegetables, no fruit, no motherfucking salad, just meat. Heh heh heh." I was starting to get defiant here.
"Well, what kinda meat are you smoking, Bubba?" She didn't care how pissy I was getting.
"Pig meat. What the hell did you expect?" I mean, seriously? C'mon Woman, give me your best shot.
"Well, you just enjoy your pig meat, darlin', and remember that I love you."
Damn. 2 whole weeks til she comes back home......

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

Congratulations to you both!
Why did you wait so long to share it?

wirecutter said...

I forgot.

Swamprat said...

God DAMNIT!!! :-)!

Sounds like you found a Woman, like I was fortunate enough to find 43 damn years ago!!
If she, haden't "Found me", and put up with me...I'd be long since Dead...or definately in Jail!

I LOVE Miss Lisa!!

Please post a picture of your lovely Lady and you.

Congrats My man...CONGRATS. Lookin forward to pictures of the wedding.

wirecutter said...

Don't know about pictures, Bro. Warrants and shit, you know?

Swamprat said...

For her or you...:-) :-)

da_truth36 said...

You poor bastard. You used to be a free man, and now look at you. Pitiful. J/K, congratulations!

Bella said...

Ah, you make my heart melt. Congrats to both of you. I'm happy for you Kenny.

Bob said...

Grats!

Anonymous said...

Hey, that sounds just like my wife and I....
Only it was 13 years ago we married.
Yes, like you, I got a grandma!

drjim said...

Congrats, Kenny!
May your life with Miss Lisa be as happy as mine is with Miss Dorothy!

Howie Honky said...

You done good; treat her right and I hope that your life together will be as blessed and beautiful as has my & my wife's marriage of 35 years. When you find the one, then even if you DO sometimes have disagreements you never let them get too big, because you know that you have a gift that is so rare, many guys would give ten years of their lives to have as much happiness.

I get kinda sentimental; my precious wife has not been in good health for a while, and if she passes before me, I already have a plan to give away most of my stuff then take the 357 express out of this world, 'cause without her, there is nothing. I pray that your love and Miss Lisa's will grow stronger with every passing moment.

Paul, Dammit! said...

Congratulations!

Walter Zoomie said...

You big dope.

You coulda just continued to gift her fantabulous lovin'...but no...you had to get all ignant and promise to do something stoopid in front of a preacher...or a judge. (I suspect you are intimately familiar with the latter.)

I also suspect that Prius in your driveway much sooner than I previously expected.

She got kin in Tennessee, huh?
Well...there you go.
That's your ticket outta Cali, my man.
The Volunteer State has decent gun laws and coyotes to shoot too!

Win Win.

Congrats, btw. ;)

Skip said...

So what the fuck. Am I invited or not?
If not, congrats to bofya.
If I am, then I gotta figger what caliber for the wedding gift[s].

JC said...

Good on on yez, m'friend. God bless you and yours.

Foodstamps said...

Awesome, Ken! Congratulations! I wish the very best for both of y'all!

Steve in Delray said...

Congratulations Ken and Lisa!

Gotta get CGD a Mossy Oak bowtie for the nuptuals!

You gonna register at Bass Pro?

- Steve in Delray

M. Liam Callahan said...

Holy mother of god, I had to read that twice just to be sure. What took you so long Mr. Wirecutter i knew you were doomed after the first few entries after meeting her. Both of you are very lucky ! Enjoy..

Oswald Bastable said...

Congrats and welcome to the world of bonded servitude ;-)

WoodBurner said...

Congratulations to you and the future Mrs. Wirecutter. ;-)

MSgt B said...

Congratulations, lucky man.

Let me know where to send a gift when the time comes.

Erinyes said...

Well CONGRATULATIONS!

Zilla said...

Congratulations to you & Lisa! I am so happy for both of you.

PISSED said...

Congratulations West Coast BlogBrother!!

I hope this doesn't cause any issues when I email you the nakee chicks ?

;)

All the BEST Man!!!

SPON said...

Good for you Wirecutter, and don't let that piece of paper change either of you.

angrymike said...

Congratulations on Kenny! 10 months huh, hehe, I finally gave my old lady a ring new years eve, after being together off and on for 29 years. She hopes it doesn't take another 29 to get her down the isle.

Pete said...

Bloody awesome great news Mate. I'm happy for you. Pete.

Mark said...

Congrats! It ain't near as bad as everyone tries to make it out to be!

Glenn B said...

Congratulations to both of you. Sounds like you each found yourself a keeper a good one at that, who makes you happy. Good for you and for her.

All the best,
Glenn B

Ramon said...

If I knew how, I would post a song. I think the title is 'Camouflage' of something like that. Congrats, and all that.

masuro said...

Congratulations! Good job Miss Lisa!

Eric P. said...

Congrats!

stevienatt said...

Congrats, Kenny. By the way, my divorce was finalized yesterday. Bring on the strange!!!

Mulligan said...

congrats!!

good luck to ya both

Kerodin said...

Congratulations to you both, Kenny & Lisa.

We wish you both the best that life has to offer.

Sam & Holly.

weaponoffishdestruction@gmail.com said...

Congratulations! We met in 1980 at the skating rink when we were 14. It took 10 years to marry her and I'm glad I did. It's been worth it. Good luck.

I wish the best for all 3 of you.

BTW, I told my wife about a few of your posts and of course, she always asks how is CGD doing, go figure, huh?

MammaJude said...

Awww, congrats to you both. Love and be happy!

missred said...

Congratulations to you both!

dhanna59 said...

Kenny,
After all that we have been through, how could you let a woman come between us? I'LL STILL LOVE YOU MAN!!! I'LL WAIT FOR YOU KENNY!!!
Derek

Stinkwilly said...

Well sum-bitch, if that ain't a knee slapper. Congrats Ken and Lisa.
I hope for all the best for ya.
If CGD loves her then you can't go wrong Ken, you'll have the best of both worlds at your side.

kerrcarto said...

Congrats dude! Good luck to you both!

Brock Townsend said...

Can't win them all.....!:) Seriously, the best of luck.

The Dude said...

Outfuckingstanding!! Congrats

Everett said...

Congrats Ken, caught me one like that when she was a teeny bobber 50 years ago! Only only one(1) knockdown screaming match in that time! No fisticuffs,just screaming!

Great good luck to you and Lisa!

nonamedufus said...

Cool, my friend. Congratulations and the best of luck.

DaddyBear said...

Congratulations!

Blue said...

Now THAT'S some good shit!

Congratulations!

Wow. Just, wow. :)

Deb said...

I guess there really is someone for everyone!

So glad to hear CGD has a mama now!

All the best to you both. See? Good things come to those who wait. (I am referring to you meeting Miss Lisa, you pig.)

Toaster 802 said...

Congrats my man. It ain't easy to find a good woman. Took me 39 years.

Shell said...

Congratulations, man. May y'all have health, money, love, and the time to enjoy them.