Oklahoma Monopoly

When Grandma and Sissy share a birthday

You know they're Okies. They just gotta be.

A Russian Okie?

Check out his teeth or rather, lack of.

This is not going to end well

The Oklahoma State Motto

Fucking Okies.....

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The coroner tells the detective: "First body: A wealthy New Yorker, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile. Second body: Texan, 25, won $10,000 on the Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile".

The detective asked "What about the third body?"

 "Ah" says the coroner "This is the most unusual one. Billy Joe Shattucks, from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the detective.

"Thought he was having his picture taken".

When I was a kid I was so poor.....

Two  Okie kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?" The other answered "Yeah! It's probably because they have real toys to play with!"

Wonderful. Grapes of Wrath replayed.

A massive dust storm swirling reddish-brown clouds over northern Oklahoma triggered a multi-vehicle accident along a major interstate Thursday, forcing police to shut down part of the heavily traveled roadway amid near blackout conditions.
In a scene reminiscent of the Dust Bowl days, choking dust suspended on strong wind gusts shrouded Interstate 35, which links Dallas and Oklahoma City to Kansas City, Mo. Video from television station helicopters showed the four-lane highway virtually disappearing into billowing dust on the harsh landscape near Blackwell, plus dozens of vehicles scattered in the median and on the shoulders.
"I've never seen anything like this," said Jodi Palmer, a dispatcher with the Kay County Sheriff's Office. "In this area alone, the dirt is blowing because we've been in a drought. I think from the drought everything's so dry and the wind is high."

*****

Stay home, motherfuckers. There's already enough goddamned Okies here in Kalifornia. My grandparents beat you here by 80 years.....

A sure sign you're in Oklahoma

You tell 'em, Sis..... er.......Cousin. I think.

Well, fuck you too!!!

Okie Sex Ed

80 short years ago

This is what a lot of our grandparents went through, trying to escape the Dust Bowl, the bank takeover of their lands and a future of poverty.
Thanks to my Aunt Polly, who's parents made the trip from Oklahoma in '34, just a couple years before she was born in a labor camp here in the Promised Land.
There was no credit to the photographer in the email but judging by the subject matter and style, I'm going to say that it's almost certainly Dorthea Lange.

Gotta be from Oklahoma

Probably practicing for when Daddy gets home.

That must've smarted

OKMULGEE, Okla. (AP) - The Oklahoma Highway Patrol says a portable methamphetamine lab exploded in a man’s pants as he tried to run away from a state trooper during a traffic stop.
Tulsa television station KOTV reports the incident happened shortly after midnight Friday in Okmulgee County. Authorities say the man tried to run away when the trooper asked him about a chemical smell.
Trooper Shiloh Hall says the man had an active meth lab in his pants that burst during a struggle with the trooper. The man was checked out by emergency personnel and booked in the Okmulgee County jail on a drug charge.
A portable meth lab is also known as a one-pot lab, where a smaller batch of the drug is manufactured.
SOURCE

Awwwww..... I think.

Fucking Okies, I swear.

Fucking Okies, I swear.

There's a guy out at work that puts his windshield reflector up every morning when he gets to work and puts his lunch on top of that. When he comes out for lunch 5 hours later, his chow is steaming hot.

That way he doesn't have to go up to the breakroom to heat his lunch up and then go out afterwards to the parking lot for a smoke.

-Sammy

I've been checked on, Lisa

My phone rings. The screen shows it my loving mother and seeing as she's doing my taxes this year, I better take that call. Besides, Lisa's been asking if she'd called yet.
"Hey."
"Hello My Eldest And Most Beloved Son. This is your mother. I was instructed by Miss Lisa to call and check on you. Please answer the following questions: Are you injured?"
Ah, that's why Lisa's been asking if she called.
"Nope" after a quick check just to be sure.
"Are you gunshot?"
"No, not so far today." And hopefully not for the rest of the day.
"Are you eating?"
"Twice a day."
"Where's your dog?"
"At my feet, asleep."
"Consider yourself checked. You're fine. Good night, Son. I love you." Click.
Love you too, Mom.

I did call her back a minute later just to visit but she was getting ready to go save the somebody from something and said she'd call tomorrow.
Okay, you've heard quite a bit about Pops, Mom, not so much. Let me explain Mom to you.
72 years old and has more energy than a 5 year old. She's one of those people that can jump right into the middle of in any crisis and not only take control but solve the problem. She thrives on that shit.
Somebody dying and the family needs help with the arrangements? No sweat, Mom's buried a shitload of people. Going through a divorce/family law matter? Call Mom, she knows the perfect lawyer. Got a cut-off notice and can't take the day off to pay it? Mom will drop it for you. Need help painting? She's there with tarps, brushes and her Senior Citizens discount for paint. Somebody killed in a car accident? Call Mom - she'll call the family, handle the cops, make the coffee and even go down to identify the corpse for you, picking up a bucket of fried chicken and slaw on the way home.
Fuck, when I was going through my divorce she made about half the appearances for me and even went to a couple of my attorney appointments for me. It got to the point to where she was referring to my attorney as "our" attorney. Whoa, Mom. You start paying for my attorney, you can call her 'ours'. Until then, she's mine. Yeah, I think Mom was actually disappointed when me and The Evil One finally settled and she couldn't go to court no more.
But then my Grandpa Bud caught that cancer that's been going around (as he put it) and gave Mom something else to do for a year or so as her and Aunt Sharon ran 12 hour shifts taking care of Bud until he finally up and died on us after years of threatening to do so.
Then n-o-t-h-i-n-g bad happened for a few months and Mom damned near drove Pops mad trying to create a crisis. Thankfully Pops was rescued when my Uncle had a heart attack and lingered in a coma for a couple of weeks before succumbing to a lifestyle of burgers, fries and milkshakes. I was considering getting jailed just to get Mom off Pops' ass when Gary fucking locked up while eating a six pack of tacos. The timing couldn't have been better as far as Pops was concerned.
That kept Mom going for about a month - sitting at the hospital for almost 2 solid weeks, then making arrangements, then the funeral itself (thank God it was a cremation, Gary was huge. You couldn't pay me to be a pall bearer) and then helping the rest of the family to make their mourning easier, like babysitting and cooking, shit like that. In the background but making a huge difference.

Mom and Pops and me on their 50th Anniversary 

She's raised 3 hell raisers, mostly alone while Pops was hunting and fishing all around the world on Uncle Sam's dime while running the occasional combat patrol. After my sister died back in 97, she took on her 3 kids and raised them too, finally getting rid of the last of them when the youngest reports to Basic Training in April.
Not to mention putting up with Pops' bullshit for the past 53 years......

Okies, I swear.....