Saturday, October 11, 2008

You think heavy is bad.....

Grab some clothes and a couple pork chops, dear.

Goin' just a bit too far

Something to drive you nuts

Give this a whirl.
Don't blame me if you break your computer.


The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see John McCain and Barack Obama before I die." whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. McCain and Obama would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to McCain "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." McCain couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took McCain's hand in his right hand and Obama's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally McCain spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Obama.
"Amen" said McCain.
The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Chow mein, fried rice, foil chicken & oral sex

A guy goes out clubbing and spots this lovely looking Chinese girl and without a moment to lose asks her to dance. They get on very well, more dances, a few drinks and at the end of the night she asks him "Would you like to come back to my place for coffee?" which of course he does They arrive at her apartment and she tells him to sit down, have a drink while she slips on something more comfortable.
Well, he has his drink and out she comes wearing a see though nightie and says "Tonight I'm you're complete sex slave, you can do anything you want."
He replies "Wow that's great, I'd really like a 69!"
"Fuck off!" she says, "I'm not cooking this time of night!"

Look before you cross, Dumbass

Minor problem, go for it anyway.

Redneck planters

Happy meal

Everybody needs somebody

I feel ya, partner. I love my Punkindog just as much.

'nuff said

Wakey wakey, hands off snakey

3 bags o' beer to go, please.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Mormon Crips

I was watching a program about the Crips in Salt Lake City until I got bored.
I can see it now:
They'll do a drive by shooting from their bicycles on Saturdays and come witness to you during the week.

Cartridge shaped ice cubes

VC from sent me this link in response to a comment that I posted on his site. Like him, I like the magazine shaped ice tray. Cute, huh?

Check out those teeth

Zambezi Tiger Fish

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Singer/Songwriter John Prine who turned 62 today and Country Singer Tanya Tucker who just turned the Big Five-Oh.
David Lee Roth of Van Halen is 54.

Beaver hunt

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point precisely".

White Trash Palm Pilot

Just wait a fucking minute!

Boys and their toys

Some conditions you don't want to cure

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Lifesaving bacon

A farmer was in the bar bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids." The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal.
One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg. "Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.
"Neither," the farmer replied. "An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"

Start 'em hating while they're young

There's nothing funny at all about this picture.
Any parent that would try to push their prejudices on their kids ought to be shot.

White Trash luggage rack

Gotta be California (again)

An interracial gay wedding cake.......
I bet somebody's mother is real happy right now.

So that's what they're for

Hangin' with the best of them

Beach Barbie

Some folks are better off in a one piece swimsuit.

Brokeback Mountain AGAIN????

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Mama didn't raise no dummies

A young boy enters a barber shop and the Barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The Barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the Barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

I'll take the bus next time

Common Ground

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured American what had happened.
The soldier reported, "Well sir, I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent." We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved."
"He yelled back that Bush is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, right wing dickhead who doesn't know shit about running a country."
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Condoleeza Rice!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a fucking truck hit us."


A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.
She responds "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean!"

What the hell, might as well.....

When headed to the gallows smile to the crowd, tip your hat to the ladies and give the hangman a coin.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

SFC Jerry M. Shriver

This post is a bit different from my usual fare.
I've worn this brave soldiers' bracelet on my wrist for many many years, first the metal POW bracelet, later as a tattoo.
Please check out this link. It's dedicated not only to one of the bravest Soldiers that ever fought, but to his comrades that served in the 5th Special Forces as well.

5 blondes? Fuck that......

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,'No. . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Unchain it. I'd pay to see that footrace.

Tweekers - yeah, we got 'em here too

This will really twist their minds

Gotta be California (again)

Cappin' on Blacks

It's been said that people from Louisiana are idiots, but if you ask me anyone who builds a city below sea level and fills it full of black folks is a fucking genius.

Thanks, Randy. I think.

Can you blame it?

The Grateful Dead performs Peggy-O, recorded 6/26/94

There's no image on this video for the first 20 seconds or so.

Be patient. It's worth the wait.

We miss you, Jerry.

Cheap-ass tornado shelter

Get a fucking life, People.

You may want to try this at home. Suresh Joachim of Toronto, and Claudia Wavra of Germany, claim to have broken the world record for continuous movie watching, after seeing 57 films in 123 hours in a plastic-glass house in New York's Times Square.
A Guinness World Records spokesman said it appears the non-dynamic duo have broken the record but said it will take two weeks to officially verify.
The attempt began Oct. 2 when eight challengers started watching "Iron Man." After 72 hours, only two remained. They watched "Thelma and Louise" until the end on 3:10 p.m. Tuesday.
Susan Sarandon, a star of that film, dropped off the final film.
The rules: Each movie had to be viewed until the last credit rolled, and competitors couldn't divert their eyes from the screen. They were allowed 10-minute breaks between movies.

Sure, Lady. Uh huh. Where did you say your husband was?

SEKIU, Wash. —
A woman said she was shot in the leg by her stove. Cory Davis told the Peninsula Daily News she had just stoked her cast-iron heating stove Sunday when she heard a loud bang and was struck in her left calf.
Davis said a case of shotgun shells spilled about a month ago at her home and one must have landed in the newspapers she used to light the stove.
She removed a metal fragment herself and was treated Monday at Forks Community Hospital.

My kind of Yoga

Why you'll never see an Okie President

Hear no evil......

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually, the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 'pay' to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, goodness gracious," said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes ever deliver the fucking sheet rock...."

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

But my wife gets pissed if I ignore her....


Yes ma'am, they do

Chicken of the Sea, maybe

Straight up White Trash, God Bless 'em

Rock hard, Baby

How do you explain these sheets to the girl you brought home from the bar?

The pup looks content but the chick looks pissed

Puked on myself? Yes. Shit myself? Not yet.

One from Brian P.

When I got out of the Army back in 1981 my first job was putting up TV antennae and installing cable systems and we did a LOT of business on the west side of the valley where there's some pretty good sized farms and ranches.
I was under a doublewide trailer one day (not knowing that a sow threw a litter of piglets under there the day before) running some coax cable and got trapped by a pissed off mama sow. She kept me trapped under there for hours until the farmhands that lived there came home, ran Mama Sow off and rescued me. I have had a healthy respect/fear of pigs - live pigs - since then. Actually, I can't stand the fuckers.
I told this story to my partner Brian one day. Big mistake. I bet I got pig pictures and livestock links from him via email for the next month. This was one of them.

Windows for Rednecks

That's what I've been trying to tell everybody!!!!

Something for Californians AND Rednecks

Monday, October 06, 2008

Sorry, Ladies

Q: What do you call a tweeker chick with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Pounder...... with cheese.

Who'd a thunk it?

Gotta be California (again)

This shit is just downright scary.

Oklahoma time out

Redneck 911 call

Redneck cannon

They got it all

And that one looks like Colonel Sanders

How 'bout this onramp?

I've heard that one nice thing about dating homeless women is that when the evening is over you can just drop them off anywhere......

Just when I thought the world was full of assholes

This video comes from Boston’s Fenway Park. It was Disability Awareness day at the baseball park. Mentally challenged children got VIP treatment. One young man even sang the national anthem to open the game.
But singing in front of a full stadium could unnerve anyone. He got nervous and stumbled while singing. But the entire stadium came to his rescue. What they did will warm your heart.


Okie mailbox

Yeah. I know.

So poor, she can't even afford decent clothes