Saturday, October 11, 2008
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see John McCain and Barack Obama before I die." whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. McCain and Obama would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to McCain "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." McCain couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took McCain's hand in his right hand and Obama's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally McCain spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Obama.
"Amen" said McCain.
The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
Well, he has his drink and out she comes wearing a see though nightie and says "Tonight I'm you're complete sex slave, you can do anything you want."
He replies "Wow that's great, I'd really like a 69!"
"Fuck off!" she says, "I'm not cooking this time of night!"
Friday, October 10, 2008
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point precisely".
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg. "Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.
"Neither," the farmer replied. "An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
The Barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the Barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured American what had happened.
The soldier reported, "Well sir, I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent." We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved."
"He yelled back that Bush is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, right wing dickhead who doesn't know shit about running a country."
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Condoleeza Rice!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a fucking truck hit us."
Thursday, October 09, 2008
I've worn this brave soldiers' bracelet on my wrist for many many years, first the metal POW bracelet, later as a tattoo.
Please check out this link. It's dedicated not only to one of the bravest Soldiers that ever fought, but to his comrades that served in the 5th Special Forces as well.
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,'No. . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
There's no image on this video for the first 20 seconds or so.
Be patient. It's worth the wait.
We miss you, Jerry.
You may want to try this at home. Suresh Joachim of Toronto, and Claudia Wavra of Germany, claim to have broken the world record for continuous movie watching, after seeing 57 films in 123 hours in a plastic-glass house in New York's Times Square.
A Guinness World Records spokesman said it appears the non-dynamic duo have broken the record but said it will take two weeks to officially verify.
The attempt began Oct. 2 when eight challengers started watching "Iron Man." After 72 hours, only two remained. They watched "Thelma and Louise" until the end on 3:10 p.m. Tuesday.
Susan Sarandon, a star of that film, dropped off the final film.
The rules: Each movie had to be viewed until the last credit rolled, and competitors couldn't divert their eyes from the screen. They were allowed 10-minute breaks between movies.
A woman said she was shot in the leg by her stove. Cory Davis told the Peninsula Daily News she had just stoked her cast-iron heating stove Sunday when she heard a loud bang and was struck in her left calf.
Davis said a case of shotgun shells spilled about a month ago at her home and one must have landed in the newspapers she used to light the stove.
She removed a metal fragment herself and was treated Monday at Forks Community Hospital.
Eventually, the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 'pay' to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, goodness gracious," said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes ever deliver the fucking sheet rock...."
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Monday, October 06, 2008
This video comes from Boston’s Fenway Park. It was Disability Awareness day at the baseball park. Mentally challenged children got VIP treatment. One young man even sang the national anthem to open the game.
But singing in front of a full stadium could unnerve anyone. He got nervous and stumbled while singing. But the entire stadium came to his rescue. What they did will warm your heart.