Saturday, January 17, 2009

Gotta be California (again)

Maybe a little inbred??

Child care for men

Thank God I'm a man


First her butt

Then her face.

Thanks, Yolo

Atta Girl

I ran across this in the archives and thought I'd re-post it.

Oh shit, they bred....


A real man's shirt

Tattoo Jim


Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down….and squealed… "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her many chips and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, " I don't know.. I thought you were watching."

Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men…..are men.

From Tattoo Jim

Friday, January 16, 2009

Thank God I'm a man

Somebody suggests a drink, what goes through YOUR mind?

The truth comes out....

No woman will ever be satisfied unless a man can grow a chocolate
penis that ejaculates money!

(and yolo says "damn straight!!" to that one)

or how far we have to stick it down the people's throats.

Talk about a death grip

Hung like a dwarf

Ya'll can thank Tattoo Jim for this one.

Tweekers - Yeah, we got 'em here too


#1 - I'm guessing that this isn't the first time he's been sent to the joint.
#2 - It looks like he met up with some concrete. Violently and quickly.
#3 - I don't know what in the fuck happened here.
#4 - Just plain retarded.

Dammit, I did it AGAIN!!!

I was out running a few errands and happened to drive past my local gun shop, checking to see who's trucks were out in front.
"What the hell, I might as well stop in and shoot the shit with the boys for a minute" I thought, so I whipped in and parked.
One hundred and seventy five cash Dollars later........

My kinda wedding

A mayor named Stubby?
A ring bearer named Rhino?
A fish fry wedding dinner?
A honeymoon at Bass Pro?
Straight up White Trash, God Bless each and every one of 'em.

Child care for men

You're right. I don't have a Buck Thirty

YES!! My hero, Baaaacon Man!!!!

Thnak you Tattoo Jim, thankyouthankyouthankyou!

Time for some new stretchy drawers

For Ibeam the Mullet Hunter

Gotcha a double on this one, Bro

Busted again!

WARNING: Cannot be unseen!

From Tattoo Jim

I can't believe he's out in public with her wearing that.... hat?

Thanks, Claire

Cleavage tattoo

Thanks, Claire

Gotta be California (again)

Turnabout is fair play

A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...."

A must-see

From Jamie

Fido, where'd ya run off to?

Thanks, Jamie

Smile! Be happy!

Straight up White Trash, God bless him

No sense of humor at all

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah well, I couldn't believe it... he was a dwarf!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

Who says dogs are dumb?

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious about his behaviour, I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Bacon. Mmmmm, bacon.....

It's a Wirecutter thing

Dead dog

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
“You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie, still crying, said, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

From (where else):

Door mats

Hey Wirecutter
Somehow, I see you with the first door mat. Mine would be the second one. I figure Deb's is the third one.
-Tattoo Jim

A man and his......

Tattoo Jim

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Does her butt smell???

Because I'm A Man....

Because I'm a Man...

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. ( F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)…applies to engineers mainly. Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't…and if you are feeling amorous afterwards…then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, , after all, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest… like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
-Tattoo Jim

Too bad my favorite tavern doesn't have one of these

Gotta be California (again)


Straight up White Trash, God bless 'em


From Tattoo Jim


From Yolo

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A link from Steve

I think he's poking fun at me, but this is still funny:

A true story from Tattoo Jim

(A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple's rentals)
Me: "Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50."
Husband: "What do you mean a late fee? I ALWAYS return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!"
Me: "Well sir, you returned–"
Husband: "I said I ALWAYS return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I'm not paying this!"
Me: "Then you won't be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again."
Husband: "I'm NOT paying this, so you better take it off now!"
Wife: "What movie is this late fee for anyway? We ALWAYS return our movies on time!"
Me: "This is for runaway bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn't return it until the 15th. "
Husband: "Oh yeah, that's right, we never got around to watching it. I'll pay for it."
Wife: "We never rented runaway bride and I was out of town on the 6th."
Me: "Well, ma'am, it's showing that Jennifer rented the title."
Wife: "Who is Jennifer?" *pauses and her face becomes red* "Oh, that b***h!"
(the wife proceeds to slap her husband, takes the keys and drives away, leaving her husband in the store.)
Husband: "Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?"
Me: "Sir, you put your mistress on your account?"
Husband: "Yeah, she likes movies…"
Me: "You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?"
Husband: "Oh s***, really?"

Didn't Mommy tell you not to play with your food?

God Bless Texas