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Saturday, October 11, 2008

You think heavy is bad.....


Grab some clothes and a couple pork chops, dear.

Goin' just a bit too far


Something to drive you nuts

Give this a whirl.
Don't blame me if you break your computer.

http://majman.net/fly_loader.html

Hahaha

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see John McCain and Barack Obama before I die." whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. McCain and Obama would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to McCain "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." McCain couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took McCain's hand in his right hand and Obama's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally McCain spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Obama.
"Amen" said McCain.
The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Chow mein, fried rice, foil chicken & oral sex

A guy goes out clubbing and spots this lovely looking Chinese girl and without a moment to lose asks her to dance. They get on very well, more dances, a few drinks and at the end of the night she asks him "Would you like to come back to my place for coffee?" which of course he does They arrive at her apartment and she tells him to sit down, have a drink while she slips on something more comfortable.
Well, he has his drink and out she comes wearing a see though nightie and says "Tonight I'm you're complete sex slave, you can do anything you want."
He replies "Wow that's great, I'd really like a 69!"
"Fuck off!" she says, "I'm not cooking this time of night!"

Look before you cross, Dumbass

Minor problem, go for it anyway.


Redneck planters


Happy meal


Everybody needs somebody


I feel ya, partner. I love my Punkindog just as much.

'nuff said


Wakey wakey, hands off snakey


3 bags o' beer to go, please.


Friday, October 10, 2008

Mormon Crips

I was watching a program about the Crips in Salt Lake City until I got bored.
I can see it now:
They'll do a drive by shooting from their bicycles on Saturdays and come witness to you during the week.

Cartridge shaped ice cubes


VC from http://throwtheball.blogspot.com/ sent me this link in response to a comment that I posted on his site. Like him, I like the magazine shaped ice tray. Cute, huh?

Check out those teeth


Zambezi Tiger Fish

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Singer/Songwriter John Prine who turned 62 today and Country Singer Tanya Tucker who just turned the Big Five-Oh.
David Lee Roth of Van Halen is 54.

Beaver hunt

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point precisely".

White Trash Palm Pilot


Just wait a fucking minute!


Boys and their toys


Some conditions you don't want to cure

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Lifesaving bacon

A farmer was in the bar bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids." The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal.
One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg. "Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.
"Neither," the farmer replied. "An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"

White Trash luggage rack


Gotta be California (again)


An interracial gay wedding cake.......
I bet somebody's mother is real happy right now.

So that's what they're for


Hangin' with the best of them


Beach Barbie


Some folks are better off in a one piece swimsuit.

Brokeback Mountain AGAIN????

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Mama didn't raise no dummies

A young boy enters a barber shop and the Barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The Barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the Barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

I'll take the bus next time

Common Ground

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured American what had happened.
The soldier reported, "Well sir, I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent." We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved."
"He yelled back that Bush is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, right wing dickhead who doesn't know shit about running a country."
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Condoleeza Rice!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a fucking truck hit us."

Blondes

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.
She responds "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean!"

What the hell, might as well.....

When headed to the gallows smile to the crowd, tip your hat to the ladies and give the hangman a coin.