Saturday, December 19, 2009

My kinda stocking stuffer

-Thanks, Woody!

The Rolling Fucking Stones

I hate the Rolling Stones. I don't just hate the Stones, I violently hate the Stones. Don't ask me why, I can't tell you. I can remember when I was a kid and all the other fuckers were going ga-ga over them, I was gagging over 'em. I know that sounds strange coming from somebody that was a teenager in the 70s but what can I say.
I will freely admit that it's Jagger that I despise. I hate his skinny body, I hate his thick fucking lips, I hate his faggy haircut, I hate the way he dances, I hate his voice, but most of all I hate his fucking high and mighty attitude. And as long as the rest of the band lets him sing for them, I'm hating them too, the pussies.
Let me tell you how much I hate the Stones:
I can be going down the road with the radio down so low that YOU can't hear it and if a Stones song comes on I'll start cussing and turn it off. That ain't bad for somebody that has more than a 50% hearing loss.
I will boycott radio stations that play the Stones. Thank God for CD players.
If I'm in your vehicle and a Stones song comes on and you refuse to change the station, you better stop the truck because I'm bailing out.
If I see a Stones CD in your truck, you just lost it. It's going airborne. Sure, I'll pay you for it but that one's history.
If I'm channel surfing and accidentally catch a glimpse of that fucking punk Jagger's face, my TV screen will get slammed with a beer can.
If I'm at your house and you want me to leave, put the Stones on. I will walk out immediately. You can deliver my coat to me at a later date because I will never grace your doorway with my presence again.
What's really funny is that I have nothing but respect for Keith Richards who is an absolutely brilliant guitarist, but put him with Jagger and the shit is on.
Fuck, I'm getting fired up just writing about them.

Happy bathing

The next time you're an overnight guest at somebody's house and you don't bring your own soap, think about this as you're showering:
What's the last thing they washed with that bar of soap and what's the first thing you washed?

308 ballistics

Okay, a 165 grain boat tail bullet over 52 grains of H414 will give you about 2650 fps at the muzzle (Speer #9) and at a 200 yard zero will give you about 12 inches of drop at 300 hundred yards and 1060 foot pounds of energy. Just thought you might wanna know.....

May you rot in hell

OSWIECIM, Poland – Thieves stole the notorious sign bearing the cynical Nazi slogan "Work Sets You Free" from the entrance to the former Auschwitz death camp on Friday, cutting through rows of barbed wire and metal bars before making their escape through the snow.
The brazen seizure of one of the Holocaust's most chilling symbols brought worldwide condemnation.
"The theft of such a symbolic object is an attack on the memory of the Holocaust, and an escalation from those elements that would like to return us to darker days," Yad Vashem Chairman Avner Shalev said in a statement from Jerusalem.
"I call on all enlightened forces in the world who fight against anti-Semitism, racism, xenophobia and the hatred of the other, to join together to combat these trends."
The 16-foot sign bearing the German words "Arbeit Macht Frei" — "Work Sets You Free" — spanned the main entrance to the Auschwitz death camp, where more than 1 million people, mostly Jews, were killed during World War II.

Why in the fuck would you want to steal this sign? It represents the suffering and pain of a People that has been persecuted since the beginning of time.
I hope that you go tell hell and suffer for all of eternity next to Hitler and all of his cronies.


Here ya go Yolo, 2 things near and dear to your heart. Squirrels and....... Well, you know.

So basically, it's a "feel good" deal

COPENHAGEN – Two years of laborious negotiations on a climate agreement ended with a political deal brokered by President Barack Obama with China and other emerging powers but denounced by poor countries because it was nonbinding and set no overall target for curbing greenhouse gas emissions.

But a final session of climate conference delegates that lasted through the night cast doubt early Saturday on whether the president of the conference, Danish Prime Minister Lars Loekke Rasmussen, could declare the Copenhagen Accord approved.

Several countries, including Bolivia, Venezuela and Sudan said the document is unacceptable because it lacks targets for reducing carbon emissions.

Sudan's delegate Lumumba Di-Aping said it would condemn Africa to widespread deaths from global warming and compared it to the Holocaust. His statement was denounced by other delegations.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a leading proponent of strong action to confront global warming, gave the Copenhagen Accord grudging acceptance but said she had "mixed feelings" about the outcome and called it only a first step.

Obama's day of frenetic diplomacy produced a three-page document promising $30 billion in emergency aid in the next three years and a goal of channeling $100 billion a year by 2020 to developing countries with no guarantees.

Bangladeshi delegate Quamrul Islam Chowdhari said Obama had won over many of the leaders by personally phoning them in the weeks before the summit and "making them feel important."

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke

- Stevienatt

Thursday, December 17, 2009

A new category

I'm adding a new category and I'm naming it "I hate...."
I got to thinking today that I hate a lot of shit and it's about time I made my feelings known. It ain't healthy to keep hatred bottled up inside. These posts are going to include things I hate, people I hate, places I hate, all kinds of neat stuff.
And not only am I going to give you a peek into my hate-filled mind, I'm going to tell you WHY I hate it. Aren't you lucky???
I do want to take a minute to thank Harlem of Harlem's Haterade for the inspiration. You can find her blog in my sidebar.
And for your first glimpse of things I hate, check out the post below.

Volkswagen Beetles

I tried to think of a snappy title for this post but couldn't so I'll just dive right in.
VW Beetles - I hate those motherfuckers. And it's not just the cars that I hate, I hate the idiotic people that drive them.
Mind you, I'm not talking about the bugs from the 60s and 70s. Those were tolerable. If you managed to get behind one you KNEW that you were stuck for a while because top speed was maybe 50 mph on level ground. If you happened to be behind it when it was going over an overpass or up a small hill, the speed dropped to 35 or so because of the anemic engines they had. You had to be sympathetic because you knew the driver of the bug was just as frustrated as you were. No big deal.
No, I'm talking about the newer ones. Why in the fuck is it that every goddamned person that drives one thinks they're driving a Porsche? I can be driving down the road doing a cool 20 mph over the speed limit and some fucking asshole in a VW comes tearing up behind me, passes me and then cuts back in front of me so close that I can't see their rear license plate. Fuck, I know the top speed on them can't be but maybe 90, so why do they think they have to drive it that fast all the time? And I know the handling characteristics can't be all that great because every rollover accident I've seen in the past year involved a VW on a gentle turn!
Dammit Ladies, slow the fuck down. You're driving a Volkswagon Beetle, not a fucking sports car!
And if you're not a women and you drive a Beetle......... Well, that's just fucking gay.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The economy is so bad....

The economy is so bad:

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

-Thanks, Mickey

Monday, December 14, 2009

Yeah Deb, it's finally winter here too.

Winter has actually arrived here in Central Kalifornia.
I know this because:
#1) It has rained here twice in the same year and
#2) My feet got kinda sorta cold when I went out to check my chicken out in the smoker. I'm thinking that maybe I should've put socks and shoes on.

A must read article, folks

So I'm steam-cleaning my carpet (so much for having a life) and I turn around and see that the mail has run.
It's the usual stuff - Fishing, hunting and shooting magazines, a couple of bills, a bunch of garbage and my monthly issue of Cosmopolitan that's addressed to the woman 2 streets down.
I take a break, stuff in a chew and read the article on 50 Ways to a Healthy Vagina (if my dick gave me that much trouble I'd cut it off) before walking down and giving to Amanda.
"Hey Ken, got my Cosmo again?"
"Yup, and the article about a clean vagina is really informative. Not that you probably need it, but hey! why take chances?"
She starts laughing, called me and asshole and wanted to know if I wanted to go in half with her on her subscription.
Now why would I do that when I can just read her magazine every month?

Socks and underwear AGAIN????


Sunday, December 13, 2009

Here's your bone, Bella

Hey, thanks for asking.
I'm doing fine, just busy is all.
I've been dealing with personal shit, work and all kinds of other neat stuff.
But I'm fine, really I am.

Dummycrats are never wrong


I got me a NEW friend

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday when all of a sudden my world was lit up with red and blue lights.
Fuck, I'm getting jammed up by the Man when I'm at a dead stop.
I was about 50 feet from the Savemart parking lot which was where I was headed anyways so I went on in there, made sure my gun was out of sight, killed the engine, flipped my keys up on the roof of my truck, put both hands on top of the steering wheel in plain sight and waited for the asshole to give me a hard time for sitting still at a red light.
I watched him in my mirror come up to my window grinning. Yeah, real funny, motherfucker. Like I can afford a ticket or bail money right before Christmas.
"Excuse me Sir, you didn't do anything wrong but I just have to ask about your bumper sticker" he says.
"Your 'Eff Obama' bumper sticker, Sir. Where did you get it?"
"You can say 'fuck', man. I'm a big boy. I got it online but I can't remember the website. Why, you want one?"
"Sure, I hate that son of a bitch too. That sticker is great!"
"I got an extra in my glove box. Can I get it?"
I reached into my glove box and handed him the one I carry just for that reason.
"Thanks" he says. "What do I owe you?"
"Nothing, man. But I'll give you 50 bucks if you put it on the back of your patrol car."
He actually thought about it for a minute........

What every Mexican kid wants for Christmas

Thanks, Tim