Friday, July 13, 2012

I before E, Gunny

Let's play the Spot The Slut game

Bacon. Mmmmm, bacon.....

Putting to use what you got

How can you not love a woman like that?

I just love my Mother-in-law to pieces.
She's out here again looking for a house to buy and staying with us. Tonight Lisa and her came back from looking at yet another motherfucking house with no luck and Lisa came up with this brilliant plan that they would buy something cheaper and rent it to us until they came out here or something, I don't know, I was laughing too hard. "That ain't gonna work, man. If Sue gets pissed at me, I'll get evicted straightaway. I ain't real stupid, ya know."
Sue turns around and smiles. "I wouldn't evict ya, son. I'd just kill ya."

And God blessed Texas

Storebought titties and a shaved cooter.......

Balls of Steel

Yeah, that might help.

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me" he says, taking the guy aside "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet" says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way".
 "Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck and off he goes to the store.

He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again" he says "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl".
"Okay" says the Frenchman "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way".
"Thanks!" says Bubba, and runs off to the store.

He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look" he says "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well" says the Frenchman "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Yeah, you can tell they're pissed.

Uh-oh. I'm fucked.

WASHINGTON (CBSDC) – The Department of Homeland Security will soon be using a laser at airports that can detect everything about you from over 160-feet away.
Gizmodo reports a scanner that could read people at the molecular level has been invented. This laser-based scanner – which can be used 164-feet away — could read everything from a person’s adrenaline levels, to traces of gun powder on a person’s clothes, to illegal substances — and it can all be done without a physical search. It also could be used on multiple people at a time, eliminating random searches at airports.
The laser-based scanner is expected to be used in airports as soon as 2013, Gizmodo reports.
MORE

*****

Well, I would be fucked if I flew but I gave that shit up when the DHS and TSA got involved with my travel plans.
Fuck 'em. If I have to travel, I allow for driving time. Delta and Southwest Airlines can blame Big Sis for not getting any of my fucking money.

Photo op: A Spade with a spade


Stupid motherfucker doesn't even know how to handle a shovel. I hope he threw his fucking back out.

Please don't turn around.....

Because with a rack that nice you're bound to be ugly.

Gotta be California (again)

No privacy in your micro house, Bubba.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Dumbass Statist

A Georgia homeowner allegedly awoke to an unusual scene on July 2 — a county code compliance officer yelling at her over the state of her lawn from the doorway of her bedroom.
“I woke up, I didn’t have my glasses on or my contacts in and all I see is this big burly figure standing in my doorway,” Erica Masters explained. “A big huge guy with a grey shirt. It scared the mess out of me.”
She elaborated: “[He] yelled at me to wake me up, to let me know that I needed to come back outside and sign the violation notice,” informing her that her grass was too long.
“I could have been coming fresh out of the shower. I mean, if I’m not answering the door, maybe it’s because I can‘t hear you because I’m in the shower,” she later pointed out.
To top it off, the whole scene can be viewed on Masters’ home surveillance cameras.
Who does this douche nozzle think he is? Talk about power hungry! He has been fired, but he was VERY lucky. If I wake up and someone I do not know is in the doorway of my bedroom, there is a great chance they are going to have an extra hole in them.
- SOURCE
Thanks to Hiswiserangel for the link.

*****

Fucker's lucky that wasn't me. I hate people giving me shit over my lawn and him in my home would've just been a bonus as far as I'm concerned.

Because everybody loves a redhead

Not really. Nice tits, though.

Wirecutter - the early years

That's right, it's going right on Facebook.

If Jesse Jackson was my dad I'd try to kill myself too.

(CHICAGO) — Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. will likely not return to Congress until after Labor Day, a senior aide close to the congressman told ABC News.
The source also denied a rumor reported on the Chicago WLS talk radio show Roe & Roeper that the Democratic congressman’s mysterious absence was due to a suicide attempt. That source claimed to have spoken to Jackson as recently as “the last few days,” and said that although he continues treatment at an inpatient facility, the congressman is not facing any life-threatening ailments.

I wonder what that pup was chasing?

Hmmm, somebody's getting laid tonight. Maybe right now.

I remember those days...... barely

Cool butterfly, Grandma!


Well, by the time her grandkids get old enough to wonder what it is, it will have aged, wrinkled and faded out enough to where it'll look like it used to be a butterfly.

Monday, July 09, 2012

Well, when you look at it that way......

Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D.C. , an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a "saint".

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are her issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."
Pelosi's aide said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal then thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
As promised, and at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms
.
Pelosi was present. The Cardinal then went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must also say Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a well known reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. The woman is simply NOT to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Ms. Pelosi is a saint."


-Stu

BLAME BUSH!!! BLAME BUSH!!!

CHICAGO (AP) — Chicago's mayor and police superintendent publicly defended their new gang-fighting strategy Monday amid growing criticism that the changes are failing and a big reason why the city's homicide rate has soared this year.
After weeks of media reports about Chicago homicides — which so far are up nearly 38 percent from last year — Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy defiantly said during a news conference that the gang strategies in place before McCarthy arrived were the ones that failed, not the new ones.

*****

Emamuel and Obama are birds of a feather, aren't they? Gotta lay the blame at somebody else's feet.

Woman gropes cop, dies

A friendly hug at a Detroit house party proved fatal for a woman after she accidentally discharged an off-duty cop's handgun.
Adaisha Miller, 24, attended a fish fry at the home of an off-duty Detroit police officer on Saturday and, at around midnight, began to hug or dance with the officer from behind and accidentally set off his gun, according to Detroit police chief Ralph Godbee, Jr.
The police department didn't release the name of the officer but said that he has been cooperative with an internal investigation launched in the wake of the shooting and is shocked at what happened.
Godbee said that the officer had been concealing his department-issued .40 caliber Smith and Wesson semiautomatic hand gun in a holster in his waistband when Miller placed her hands on his waist. Godbee indicated that Miller had seemingly touched the gun in some way, causing it to fire. There is no safety switch on the weapon, he said.
"I don't think I'm giving anything away by saying this but for the sake of transparency, it is possible for the trigger to be manipulated with that type of holster," Godbee said. "Typically the barrel is facing down, but the preliminary investigation indicates that there was some manipulation along the officer's waistline that he did not control and subsequently the weapon discharged."
Godbee said that there was no indication from evidence or witnesses that the officer had placed his hand on the weapon. The investigation will include forensic analysis by the Detroit State Police and a medical examiner's report.
MORE

I should probably go, huh?



Yeah, you read that headline right. The lobbying and policy shop Strategic Health Care is hosting a “White Trash Reception on the Hill” next week. We get forwarded a lot of reception invites here at the Alley and we’ve never seen one quite like this before. [...]
Just to make sure we weren’t getting punked, we phoned Swickard, the firm’s director of government relations, to ask if the invitation is legit. It is.
She said the party at the firm’s Capitol Hill townhouse gathers lobbyists, Hill staffers and health industry types for some happy hour fun. The firm throws themed parties every couple of months, though past themes have included the decidedly less edgy pirate and cherry blossom varieties.
www.weaselzippers.us
Thanks to Greg for the link.

14 Billion? That would've covered 2 vacations for Mooch-elle!

Following various reports of jailed convicts and illegal immigrants receiving unemployment checks from U.S. taxpayers, the Obama Administration is admitting that in fiscal year 2011 the government “overpaid” around $14 billion in benefits.

.....Corruption has plagued the nation’s out-of-control jobless benefits program for some time and the problem has only gotten worse under the Obama Administration. As far back as 2010, there were reports of unemployment checks going out to illegal immigrants in at least one state as well as other unqualified legal residents and citizens.
MORE HERE

DMV at it's finest

Somehow or another I've become an outlaw. My hunting license, my driver's license and vehicle registration expired over the past week and if I'm going to continue to do the things I enjoy doing with a minimum of hassle, then I needed to catch up on all this shit.
The registration would be easiest so I got online and managed that okay, but then I remembered that I've moved in the past 6 months so I needed to put in a change of address so they'll mail my tags to the right place.
So I get back online. First I had to register so I did that, then submitted my change of address only to have it kicked back because I needed to sign in. I just registered and didn't even close the screen, so why in the fuck do I have to sign in? But hey, I sign in only to have that kicked back saying I needed to activate my account by clicking on the link in my email, so I go to my email and guess what? Nothing from DMV in my inbox, trash or spam folders.
I go back to the DMV site and try to re-register and that gets refused because there already is an account containing that information, you know, mine? The one I just opened and can't access? I try to sign in again and get told to fuck off again.
Fuck this, I try to call but all of their 'technicians' are busy so I get a message saying to enter my phone number and they will call me back. I do that and I'll be buttfucked if their autmatic voice system comes right back and tells me thank you, they have my number, please stand by my phone because they will be calling me back between ONE AND FOUR HOURS from now. One to four hours? That's the best they can do?
Motherfuckers, if I wanted to waste my entire fucking day dealing with DMV, I would've just went down there.
And they wonder why this State is broke. All it would've taken was a person saying "Okay, you moved from here to there? Let me verify your new address, Mr Lane. Okay, have a nice day." That's it. Their fucking menu on their phone system takes longer to listen to than it would've taken a real live person to talk to me which is what's going to happen anyways.
Fuck this shit. I'm getting in the shower to wash my nasty parts over and over and over again and if I miss their call, they can kiss my fucking ass.

UDATE

So about 5 minutes after I posted this I get a call from DMV and what do they do? Put me on motherfucking hold..... When I finally get somebody on the line I politely tell her the problem and that I want to do a change of address over the phone.
You can only imagine how far I launched my phone when she told me they won't do address changes over the phone, only in person or online......
Fuck this shit, I'll wait until I get pulled over. I'll haul out my confirmation that my fees have been paid and I'll let our boy in camo submit my change of address for me. After all it is in their job description to SERVE and protect, right? Well, serve me then, motherfucker.

Sorry, pay your own damned bills.....

A multistate identity theft scam that claims President Barack Obama will pay your utility bills appears to have widened.
According to MSNBC.com, more than 2,000 customers in Tampa, Fla., fell for the fake offer last week.
The scheme was first reported in May, when Dallas-based Atmos Energy warned its 3 million customers in 12 states that scammers had been asking for Social Security numbers to enroll in the faux federal program. According to the pitch—distributed via email, Facebook, text message, phone and, in some cases, door-to-door sales—the government would pay a month of energy costs through credits offered by the Obama administration.
PSE&G, the New Jersey gas and electric delivery utility, issued a similar warning the same month. According to MSNBC, there were 10,000 reported victims in New Jersey in recent weeks, and thousands more in North Carolina, Indiana and Pennsylvania.
MORE

*****

If it weren't for so many people relying on their government instead of making their on way, then this story wouldn't even had made the news.

Yeah, motherfuckers have to have their EBT cards to make bail......

Massachusetts Democratic Gov. Deval Patrick has vetoed the state legislature’s attempt to ban the use of EBT cards — or food stamps — to purchase items such as tattoos, porn and jewelry.
Patrick vetoed the reforms Sunday while signing the state’s $32.5 billion budget.
According to the Boston Herald, which first reported the veto, the governor berated the legislature’s stab at banning the purchase of specific items like manicures, tattoos, guns, porn, body piercings, jewelry, and bail by saying the move was “political grandstanding” at a time when such reforms are already on track elsewhere.
“I’m not going to do anything that makes vulnerable people beg for their benefits. This notion of humiliating poor people has got to be separated from how we make a program, and frankly separated and disposed of, from how we make a program work and work well,” Patrick said, according to Wicked Local Hanson.
More of this left wing squandering of your money HERE

Late summer coyote set ups

From my friend Todd Sullivan.

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Heat realted deaths in Chicago rises to 18

CHICAGO (STMW) – The death of eight more people in Chicago over the weekend have been attributed at least in part to heat-related causes, bringing the total of heat-related deaths in Cook County to 18, surpassing the total from last year.
MORE

*****

Every time I read or hear about heat related deaths in an urban area, I have to wonder 'Do these people not own fucking bathtubs?'
I can understand an elderly person succumbing to the heat, but if you'll follow the link in the story it gives a few that are middle aged that didn't have to die.
I would hope that my readers are a cut above your average 6th grader but I will throw this tip out there for you anyways:
Motherfuckers, if you start to overheat, fill your tub with cool water and climb in. It not only feels good but it cools your core temperature so that you'll continue to feel cool after you get out.

A fine assortment of mature ladies for Milfy Monday






CGD and his new buddy

My folks are flying to Missouri tomorrow for my nephew/brother's Basic Training graduation and asked us if we'd watch their dogs, a 15 year old Golden Retriever and Pops' little fucking chihuahua.
Mom was a little worried about CharlieGodammit being to rough with their old dog, but I blew her off, loaded up the dogs and headed home all the while telling them they were headed to the pound, taking that long last ride, more to fuck with Lisa's head than anything else.
Anyways, Mom shouldn't have worried. CGD is laying in the floor, playing with Mozart. Laying there playing with him because Mozart's hips are too bad to run and play.



GiGi the Rat Dog has already backed Charlie down too. I can talk all the shit I want about the wolfdog but he has excellent judgement when it comes to how much force to use with different people of animals. I've seen him rough-housing with a pair of dobermans, then walk over and start playing with a toy poodle.
Hell of a change from my Punkindog who killed every dog (except for my terrier Hillary Clinton) that he could corner.

Canadians. God bless 'em.

Your old lady is gonna be SO pissed.....

Dude. Get a life.

Oh, shut the fuck up, man.

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama’s former spiritual adviser spoke just a few miles from the White House on Sunday, and politics and controversy weren’t far from what Rev. Jeremiah Wright had to say.
“As we celebrate the foundations of our future, this is not a time to romanticize because we have the first African-descended president in the White House,” Wright said in a fiery sermon that lasted close to an hour. “You see what the tea party is trying to do.”
Speaking at Washington’s Florida Avenue Baptist Church, which marks its 100th anniversary this week, Wright urged parishioners to teach their children true African-American history and not to cede their educations to “our enemies” who teach “his story,” one that “distorts our story, disses our story.”
Children may “only know Oprah and Obama,” he said, so it’s up to elders to teach about Nat Turner, Emmett Till, Rosa Parks, Paul Robeson, Zora Neale Hurston and other black voices."

“We need to tell our children … how we got from a black congressman named Adam Clayton Powell to a black president named Barack Hussein Obama,” he said to applause.

Over 3 dozen discrepancies found in the Obamessiah's book.


Only 3 dozen? That ain't bad considering the motherfucker's whole life is a lie.